The Sari Solden Story

Interview by Judy Brenis

 

Life has been quite the journey for Sari Solden, who will be one of three keynote speakers at this summer’s ADDA conference in Detroit, Michigan. Quiet and shy when young, unable to speak out in class or even among friends, Solden never dreamed that one day she would be the world renowned author, presenter and therapist that she is today.

 

At this year’s conference, Solden will talk about celebrating differences and valuing diversity. Having grown up in Detroit, Solden says she feels as if she’s come full circle, and will be comparing Detroit and its efforts to redefine itself to adults with ADD coming to terms with their own challenges and strengths.

 

She will also be talking about viewing adults with ADHD through a cross-cultural lens. “At the ADDA conference you can bump into people, drop things, and it’s okay, no one judges you. You don’t have to hide anymore,” Solden says. “At the conference you can connect with others, you can be comfortable with who you are. It’s being with people who not only understand your struggles but who also have similar strengths.”

 

“The tipping point for me came when I was 40 and diagnosed with ADHD,” Solden remarks. “The first day I took Ritalin, I told a story in front of a group of friends for five minutes and was in shock because I had never been able to do that before. What a relief to finally understand why I had struggled in so many ways.”

 

Quickly, Solden says, she began to make up for lost time, discovering that all those years weren’t really wasted, but were just waiting to be unleashed. “That diagnosis and treatment had a pretty immediate impact and made it possible for me to move forward.”

 

Growing up in Detroit, Solden says, she did fine in the right classes with the right teachers. Looking back, Solden says that now she can see she was already beginning to compensate for her ADD by turning almost every assignment she could into a drama or quiz show. She would fall back on her creativity because trying to put together anything linear was just too difficult.

 

Solden says she was really thrown for a loop when she entered seventh grade and was placed in honors classes. Despite the fact that she was smart, she found she couldn’t keep up and the teachers were very demanding. In addition to the undiagnosed ADHD, Solden said her handwriting was very poor and on all her papers the teachers would write, “Very messy, see me,” or, “A second grader could have written this.”

 

“Life was confusing,” Solden says. “There was always such a split in my life between the things that were very hard for me to do, versus very easy.”

 

Solden remembers how she always seemed to collect a lot of papers and her locker and desk were constantly a mess. She says she wouldn’t participate in class, deathly afraid of being wrong. In classes where sensitivity and creativity were valued, however, she was successful.

 

College presented even more challenges for Solden. “Living independently requires that you rely even more on your executive functioning skills,” says Solden, who now recognizes how compromised those skills are for individuals with ADHD. Time management, prioritization, organization, decision-making, and other tasks requiring executive functioning skill were areas where she had support when living at home.

 

Academically, Solden did well in college, although she admits she had an “odd” way of studying. “The only way I could learn the material was to re-write every word of the textbook over and over and over.” It was also difficult for her to find a place to study where she wouldn’t be distracted. “I was always moving around trying to find places where I wouldn’t be disturbed,” Solden says. “I loved school and learning, but it seemed like I was having a much harder time than others.”

 

Shortly after graduating from the University of Michigan, Solden married, moved to Florida and tried the whole housewife thing, she says, only to discover that lifestyle wasn’t going to work for her. “I thought I wanted to conform, but in a way, ADHD saved me from that way of life.”

 

Like many women with ADHD, Solden found that raising a child and taking care of a home were life tasks that required skills not within her set of strengths. “Grocery shopping, laundry, cooking and cleaning – it was all overwhelming and difficult,” Solden says.

 

As a result, Solden experienced a lot of guilt because of strong social roles and expectations of women. As Solden poignantly depicts in her book “Women with Attention Deficit Disorder”, women – especially those with ADHD – often experience a great deal of guilt and shame as they find themselves unable to live up to expectations ingrained early in life.

 

“Every time things got too disorganized I would move. I was a pioneer, I was looking for new horizons where individuality was valued more than when I grew up,” Solden says.

 

Eventually, Solden moved to the San Francisco Bay area and realized that she needed to get back to what she originally set out to do, deciding to return to school and pursue her original goal of becoming a psychotherapist. She began to work on her Master’s degree in clinical counseling with an emphasis on cross-cultural counseling, and earned a license in marriage and family therapy. Solden went on to serve as the specialist on adult ADHD for the Family Service Agency of Marin County.

 

It was while serving as an intern at the Family Service Agency that Solden says she began to interface with the office that handled special programs for minorities with mental health issues and learning disabilities, and they suggested that in order to understand her client’s experiences, she take the same battery of tests. Solden consulted a neuropsychologist, and was told she had ADHD (without hyperactivity, as it was called at that time.) This realization made her feel much better about herself. “The diagnosis was a relief, as well as very validating,” Solden says.

 

It was then a combination of understanding, support, and medication that made it possible for her to be successful. “All of a sudden I began to speak up at agency group meetings. I could actually go shopping without being overwhelmed or distracted by the piped-in music,” Solden says.

 

Solden began writing and speaking more, and after some real soul-searching, decided that working in an agency was not a good fit for her. She eventually moved back to Michigan and opened a private practice as a psychotherapist working with adults with ADHD.

 

In 1995, Solden wrote her first book, “Women with Attention Deficit Disorder,” which has sold close to 2,000,000 copies worldwide and has been translated into German, Japanese, and Danish. Her second book, “Journeys Through ADDulthood, published in 2002, grew out of years of Solden’s clinical work with men and women with ADHD as she developed a framework for understanding the difference between those who get stuck following diagnosis and those able to grow and move on.

 

Solden also became a prominent speaker at both national and international ADHD conferences, serving on the professional advisory board of ADDA. In fact, she was part of the original group interested in founding an organization like ADDA.

 

“Conferences are not just a place to gain information, but to connect with people who have the same kind of perspective as you do,” Solden says. “When you are around those who struggle with similar challenges, you realize how much you are hiding on a day to day basis, and you can let go. It’s seeing people in their own culture, being with your own tribe. It’s very empowering.”

 

Solden emphasizes the importance of acceptance, not hating yourself for who you are. “It’s seeing yourself as whole – that includes your strengths and weaknesses. It’s learning to sometimes live with much more chaos than other people live with, but continuing to move forward.”

 

Solden urges those who think they have to wait to get “better” before moving toward their vision to instead use their personal struggles and adversity to keep going. “I’ve been healed over and over again by writing and speaking, and hearing about other people’s experiences,” Solden says. “It’s a long journey but it’s about achieving greater self-awareness and fulfillment.”

 

Solden’s www.ADDJourneys.com, is her online community for adults with ADHD and where you can find her books. More about Sari’s consulting, counseling and speaking at www.sarisolden.com.

 

Judy Brenis is an ADHD coach based in Santa Cruz, California. ADHD has touched her life in the form of her 24-year-old daughter who was diagnosed with ADHD at age five, and Judy is passionate about helping those with ADHD create successful, happy, and healthy lives. Reach her at www.adhdcoachingjudy.com.