Twice Exceptional or Double Trouble? A Journey of Self Discovery – Part 2

By Douglas Harris

My life as an adult diagnosed with ADHD can be broken into three phases: not knowing, knowing with my head, and knowing with my heart.

Not Knowing

Before diagnosis, I knew something wasn’t right but I didn’t know what it was. For many, this period lasts most of their lives. When you don’t know what is really going on, the only explanations for shortcomings are character flaws, laziness or willful troublemaking. The only answer seems to be to “just try harder.”

Knowing With My Head

A great relief accompanied my diagnosis. The second phase was largely cerebral; I learned all I could about ADHD and how it affected me. ADHD was an external challenge to be studied, examined and faced, but by the same person inside that I had always been.

Knowing With My Heart

It was at the 2001 ADDA Conference in Atlanta that I began the third phase — transformation. Real progress begins only when you believe in your heart that this is who you are.  When you really start to understand your unique strengths and weaknesses, you are able to reframe your understanding of yourself and ADHD becomes an integral part of who you are. I fought ADHD for a long time, but at that conference I reached a tipping point that led to acceptance of my ADHD.

When I returned from the 2001 conference, a sudden change in family finances made continuing coaching or therapy impossible. It was devastating to discover the key to my problems only to have it taken away. I now faced a life knowing that I had ADHD, but without the support I had come to rely on.

I found I couldn’t return to the way I was before. Now that I knew ADHD was a part of me, I couldn’t un-know it. However, I found this sense of knowing suddenly took a nasty turn once I lost the sources of supports that had been guiding me. Whereas I had previously been willing to try new things and take on new challenges, naïvely hoping they would work out, I now felt a sense of doom. I stopped taking on new challenges because I sensed there was no future in them. In the past I would try things, be enthralled for a while, and then quit as I lost interest; now I quit before I even began. Every opportunity was rejected with, “What’s the point?” or “What’s the use?” I wasn’t the same person I had been, and without realizing it, I’d slipped into period of depression. I became involved with my church and later in community theater, but each grew less rewarding over time as the newness wore off. In both cases I eventually burned out and withdrew. I now see the fingerprints of ADHD all over those experiences.

Several years ago I took up running as way to exercise my dog. I had tried running before but this time I stuck with it and really enjoyed it. Of course, now I realize that exercise is a great antidepressant and running serves as a form of meditation as well. I started entering races and eventually ran the Detroit-Windsor half marathon in 2012. I had even decided to return the next year to run the full marathon.

My training continued steadily through the fall, winter and spring. I was on schedule to run the marathon until one day, during my first trail run, I stepped on a rock and badly rolled my foot. X-rays proved it was broken and four weeks later I learned that I would need surgery. This meant the end of running for the year. It was a dark time; I lost the one thing I truly enjoyed and I lost the mood boosting benefits it provided.

Fortunately, I discovered there would be an ADDA conference in Detroit that summer. It had been a long time since I last thought about the Conference, but I couldn’t pass up this opportunity. Despite my doubts and depression, I harbored hopes that I might recapture some of the magic I had felt before. I immediately registered for the conference and made a hotel reservation — in the very same hotel I had earlier reserved (and cancelled) a room for the marathon. I’m not superstitious, but this had the feeling of something meant to be.

I was still on crutches when I arrived at the conference. After I registered, I sat down to rest my arms and immediately met a woman also attending the conference. We struck up a conversation and, as if we were old friends, shared our stories, challenges and dreams. Within minutes I felt that same magic I had experienced years ago. We made an immediate connection the same as those I had experienced at conferences years earlier.

In the opening keynote speech, Sari Solden referred to  a man in the audience who had gone to the first ADDA conference many years ago and who had come back saying, “I met all these amazing people, bright people, really smart people and who had the same problems I did.” I just knew she was talking about me.

My initial experience was repeated throughout the conference; I learned a lot but I also reconnected with my tribe. After 13 years away, I felt I’d come home again. This, more than anything I had experienced or tried in the intervening years, restored the feeling of hopefulness I had experienced at earlier conferences.

We all face challenges. Adults with ADHD struggle and at times it can seem insurmountable. There are tips and tricks, therapies, strategies and coping mechanisms, and all of them help; sometimes they help enough and sometimes they don’t. Eating well helps, getting enough sleep helps, exercise helps. You might say common sense helps. But in my experience, nothing helps like forming a human connection with someone who understands exactly what you’re going through.

Nothing comes close to connecting with your tribe.

Douglas Harris is an ADHD Coach in Ann Arbor, Michigan. He works with intellectually gifted people struggling with ADHD. With coaching, clients discover how to tap into the full potential of their extraordinary minds and put in place the ADHD-friendly strategies to make those dreams a reality. Reach him at Doug@ADHDSynergyCoaching.com.