Seven Secrets to a Happy ADHD Relationship
by June Silny
You can have a happy ADHD marriage.
Read that again. You probably don’t hear it often enough.
Adults with ADHD Can Have Happy, Fulfilling Marriages
The statistics are scary, and at times you might not believe it’s possible to make a marriage work with ADHD in the mix. You fight too much. Your house is a mess. You can’t find your keys. You’re late for appointments, if you even remember that you have them. The bills are late. You say things without thinking or tune out during important conversations.
Life is chaotic. And still, adults with ADHD are completely capable of happy, fulfilling marriages.
All marriages have their ups and downs, but if one or both spouses have ADHD, the relationship is significantly more challenging. Two people, two lives entwined, every day, under one roof…and ADHD. It’s complex, it’s hard, it’s beautiful, and it’s not impossible.
You Choose If You Strengthen or Weaken Your Rope
Marriage is like a rope. The entwined threads can either be sturdy or frayed. The rope stays strong and supportive as you both reach and climb upward together. But with too much stress, the threads can become twisted and frayed, the rope weakens, and gradually your relationship starts to fall apart.
The good news is that you are always an active participant in your marriage. You can choose your role, how you communicate, and the behaviors that can either strengthen or weaken your bond.
If you are willing and ready to strengthen the rope that holds you and your spouse together, you will bring back the warm, cozy feeling you had when you first met.
Relationships Thrive When…
Remember when you met? Do you remember the sparks that were flying between you when you looked into each other’s eyes? Something about that person made you want to spend the rest of your lives together. You can bring that feeling back again.
In fact, it can be even better than that – a deeper, more mature, and profound connection – if you choose to make the effort.
Relationships thrive when both partners act lovingly towards one another, are willing to make an effort to grow, and are committed to working on themselves.
7 Ways to Live Peacefully with ADHD
Follow these 7 ways to live peacefully with ADHD:
1. Bring Back the Love
You loved each other once. As the years go by, you know more about each other. The “real” person comes out. Often you find yourself thinking, what happened to the person I fell in love with? The more comfortable you get in relationships, the more you take them for granted. You forget to nurture and nourish them.
Expectations cause disappointment. Resentment sets in, secretly hiding in the background of your lives.
With ADHD, life can be lived impulsively or haphazardly. After a hard day at the office, a stressful commute home, and driving children to after-school activities, it’s hard to feel romantic, especially when you are late, forget your keys, or realize you didn’t pick up your kids.
It sounds unnatural, but if you want to reconnect emotionally, you have to schedule private time for your relationship. Yes, that means make a date (like the old days). Put it in your calendar.
Busy days filled with work, phones, and Facebook can distance us from our partners. Schedule a “shut down” time at least once a week: no phones, no TV, no interruptions. Just be together. Talk about your day. Leave out the comments, judgment, and criticism. Pretend you’re on a first date again.
2. Slow Down
Life with ADHD is often frantic. Leaving the house, finishing projects, and showing up for appointments on time can be stressful for a person with ADHD. Each day whizzes by. Sometimes you can’t even remember where you went, what you did, and who you were with.
ADHD is fast-moving; in the body and the mind. Take time to slow down your body. Intentionally, move slower. Your mind will follow.
3. Accept Imperfections
People with ADHD have a few more challenges than most. However, everyone is imperfect—even you. Once you accept your flaws, you will think differently about your partner’s imperfections. We are human; all of us are struggling through life individually, yet together. Judgmental, critical thoughts distance you from peace and love.
4. Look for the Good
Every trait has a positive and negative side to it. The trait that drives you crazy is probably the same trait that brings a benefit to your life. Start by giving compliments. Say something nice. Sometimes you have to look hard to find it, but if you value your relationship, it’s worth the effort.
Remember your impulsive partner may be the fast-acting doctor, nurse, or EMT who is saving someone’s life.
5. Prioritize Your Conflicts
Most things couples fight about aren’t worth the effort. Every comment, disappointment, or difference of opinion does not have to turn your home into a battlefield. Try not to react when negative emotions are strong. Speaking while angry causes damage to your partner and the relationship. Take space for yourself to manage your feelings and pick your battles.
6. Be On the Same Team
One of the most important things you can do is join forces. Be on the same team. Bickering, competing, and criticizing are habits that are harmful to a loving relationship.
When you’re in the midst of negativity, be it an argument or just the voice in your head, remember to regroup, readjust, and realign your thoughts so that you feel united with your partner.
7. Practice Compassion
This is indispensable within any relationship. A person with ADHD often feels disappointed, overwhelmed, and frustrated. When a person with ADHD appears to be acting selfishly, it may be that they are feeling overwhelmed with their own thoughts.
ADHD takes up a lot of mental and emotional bandwidth. It’s exhausting, and often the ADHDer is struggling to get through the next task.
Slow down, be compassionate, and refrain from judgment. Your ADHD loved one will respond lovingly to your kindness.
An ADHD relationship requires patience and compassion, at times more than other relationships. Understanding what it feels like to have ADHD- without judgment- will help both partners stay on the same page and allow you to regain a peaceful, happy home.
The more love you give, the more you will receive.
If you’d like to join a supportive and inclusive community of people who understand what you’re going through, check out ADDA+.
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246 Comments
This information was most informative and helpful to me as I move forward in a relationship with a person with ADHD. Thank you!
This information was very helpful. I realize that I don’t have enough date nights with my wife. Also to slow things down
I just had an argument with my girlfriend who has adhd, she always seem to forget to consider my feelings. I’m gonna share this article when things cool down. I love her but I doubt she will every understand my pain.
My girlfriend seems to put her work 1st, kids 2nd, and me 3rd. She is always in high gear when works involved. Swearing is very common towards the kids. Is there any future for me or should I move on?
I hear both discouragement and hope in your question. A place to start is honest communication. Without distractions, without accusatory words or criticism, find a way to help ur wife understand your concerns, needs, and hopes. Make specific, doable requests and see if she’s willing to partner with you to make the marriage more of a priority.
What a ridiculous answer. Find a way to help your wife understand your concerns. As if this person hasn’t done that. The whole problem is that the wife cannot understand; adhd is immaturity.
Hi Edward – use the ADHD resources on youtube – there are some great videos on there by professionals that explain how you can make a marriage or relationship work when one or both partners has ADD/ADHD. I too am trying to make a relationship work with someone who has the condition. He also works a lot, and when he’s not working he’s generally too exhausted to make time with me. If you look up the videos I mentioned, the professionals explain that people with the condition respond to three things 1. Novelty (exciting/new things), 2. Challenging things and 4. extreme deadlines with dramatic consequences. The ADHD brain does not regulate the use of dopamine like the regular brain, so not only do people with the condition struggle to filter out stimuli, but they seek out stimuli that result in the release of dopamine. Excitement , challenge and adrenaline. They struggle to focus on things that do not fall into these categories. Work provides challenge, novelty and deadlines so people with ADHD can thrive at work provided that they are in the right type of job. Kids would come second as they are challenging. As far as your relationship is concerned, you can make a future work with your partner but you may need to try and consider how you can help refocus your partner’s attention when she is not at work. It isn’t because she doesn’t love you, it’s just the relationship feels secure and comfortable so her focus is directed at other things. Maybe you can suggest a date night once a week where you both share a new experience together without the kids?
I have add and the selfish behaviour coming as a result feeling overwhelmed is very true. And criticism doesn’t help, I am already ruthlessly critical of myself. But I get why anyone in a relationship with someone with Add will often feel undervalued. It must be really hard on someone’s self worth when they are being ignored. The strange part is that I genuinely want to be able to give myself and my presence, but the inner pull is so strong at times.
Thanks for commenting. I’m in the early stages of a relationship that feels like it could really be something. But as the initial fire has progressed into more of everyday flames, I feel like I’m on a roller coaster a little. When we are together, it’s wonderful. When we’re doing separate things, I feel like he forgets I exist, and that hurts. We talk about it and he says the same thing you have said. I’m just now learning about ADHD and it is all making so much more sense.
I am a non-adhd partner in a relationship. For years, we have struggled and continue to struggle. I now realize that I need help to cope and be the best person I can to salvage my relationship and save my family.
I too am the non adhd partner..hubby just diagnosed we have struggled for years and split up twice i desperately need help to cope
I really needed this. It can be lonely and confusing to bridge between seeming harmony and sudden chaos. I have tried to rationalize, and talk about his sudden mental walk-aways and my feelings being set aside, or an agreement we made the day before being forgotten like amnesia. I may have been aggrevating my partner’s ADHD by keeping the resulting problems forefront in the mix. That’s extra pressure to think and act like I do. I’m going to try to be more understanding of his own confusion and frustration about impulsive thinking. I know he means well he is a very good loving person, I need to step out of victimhood and be his forgiving friend as well.
I have to say reading up on ADD I had no idea that the person with ADD are most suffering in their life with it. I have a really close friend who I love who has this disorder. I seriously need to treat her differently and try to understand her better and comfort her and just show her my love and give her the support she needs. I am so glad I read about this disorder. Thank u.
I just met a wonderful man with ADHA. I want to understand him and his disorder. Thanks so much for the insight. Looking forward to learning more.
I have struggled with my boyfriend’s add behavior as it relates to what I call poor social manners. When we are out in public he comes across rude which is embarrassing for me. He says it’s his disease and I find it so frustrating. He is an amazing human being which is why I stick around but we also have lots of differences. I am feeling like I don’t know if I’m up for the challenge. Does anyone have any advice to help me feel hopeful?
Hi Maria,
You’re describing a very common problem many adults with ADHD face. Two key symptoms of ADHD contribute to our struggles with social skills. First, we struggle to pay attention and so often miss the social cues that other people are sending. We don’t notice that the person we’re talking to is becoming upset or doesn’t appreciate our sense of humor. We carry on, oblivious. And second, we’re impulsive. When we see or hear something that sparks a connection in our brain, we don’t filter what we’re going to say, we simply blurt it out. So your boyfriend it right in a sense, it is the result of his ADHD. However, that doesn’t mean it’s impossible for him to learn social skills, just that it will take more work and a different approach.
I’m an adult with ADHD and, like you, my wife despaired of me ever learning any social skills. It’s taken work, but now people usually consider me “quirky” or “blunt” rather than rude. That’s progress, but not perfection.
Luckily, Caroline Maguire, an ADHD expert, is presenting one of ADDA’s famous Webinars on the topic of social skills on September 7, 2016. You can learn more about it here. ADDA Webinars are free for ADDA members, or you may purchase one-time attendance. If you are unable to attend the live event, you can always purchase the recording (which is also always available free to members.)
To your success,
Duane
I have been with my fiancé for 6 years now and his adhd has never been as bad as it is now there is a lot he is forgetting and it’s hard for me to wrap my head around how he can forget it like spending time with our 9 month old son or when he gets off work he just wants to lay down and he zones out a lot and he always forgets deals that we make especially when we go to his grandparents house sometimes I feel like me and our son comes last to everything and I want things to work out I have loved him since we were in 8th grade but it just feels like the spark isn’t there anymore especially when he starts flirting with other girls we have talked about it and he says that he messages them for help but it always ends up in flirting like he forgets all about me can someone help me understand his side
I am in a new relationship with a guy who has ADHD and I can see myself with him in the future. I’m willing to give and do everything for him. I will accept this big challenge and responsibility because I know that having a boyfriend with ADHD will make me more better person. I’ve learned a lot from this site and thank you very much.
I too am in the early phase of a relationship with a man who has ADD. He is one of the most caring, loving men I have ever met and I would like to continue to get to know him. This site has helped to identify and explain some things I see happening.
Thank you
My husband hadn’t been diagnosed with adhd, yet, but has all of the symptoms. Out therapist says he has it but his psychiatrist hasn’t officially confirmed it. She has said just yesterday that he should have never gotten married and alot of hopeless things for our marriage! I feel devastated. According to what I’ve just learned, there’s alot of hope, isn’t there?!
Get a new therapist who believes in saving your marriage, please!
My partner has ADHD and ADD combined. Im not being funny but its like living with a brick wall. Nothing gets thru to him. He doesnt take his pills because he says it gives him heart palpitations. He winds me up constantly and doesnt stop till i literally experience a panic attack. Ive tried to leave many times because he doesnt want to help himself but he threatens to kill himself. I feel like a slave always cleaning up while he just sits on his playstation, littering the floors with wrappers of junk food. Im very unhappy in this relationship and i dont think i can carry on much longer like this.
Are you married to him, or have children? Because if not, what obligation do you have to stay? If he threatens to kill himself, how serious is he? If you have to, you can call 911 to have a professional help him.
It sounds like there is a problem with being abusive also. Threatening to kill himself is manipulative. Don’t downplay the abuse because of the ADHD. I know because I’ve been in the same situation. The abuse will cost you – emotionally and physically it will harm you.
Hello, yes l agree the abuse will harm you, it has me! I live constantly in a state of anxiety, walking on eggshells. The man l live with is 67 yrs old and l am 52. He is crude, RUDE and
EXTREMELY critical of everything and everyone. He is always negative, can’t sit still has to CONSTANTLY argue about EVERYTHING!! He was bullied all his childhood so in turn he uses he ADHD as an excuse for his bullying and name callling towards me. I don’t love anymore and if l had somewhere to go l would leave today. Someone mentioned the word Barbaric, well, sorry guy, but my soon to be ex-boyfriend is BARBARIC! I truly wish l could go back and find the things l liked and loved about yet l feel nothing. I am EXTREMELY exhausted EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY and PHYSICALLY. My opinion: NO MAN IS WORTH THE ABUSE HE HAS INFLICTED ON ME! OH by the way he thteatened to kill my 8 month old cat, cuz she scratched him, common sense tells you Don’t pull her tail and intentionally make her mad. This has felt like a mother child relationship for the last 2 yrs and we have been together for 3 yrs! He refuses to take his meds cuz he knows what’s best for him. And he has the NERVE to question why women leave him
Give me a break COLUMBO!
I am in a relationship with an ADHD guy and even if it is hard, I have to say that he made me the happiest I ever was. I learned that he needs repetitive instructions,and that we could have the same fight over and over again he wouldn’t realise it. One of the things that helped me a lot is to stop being so angry and ready to battle. Exploring his way of thinking and asking the right questions can make you understand the connection that your partner makes in his head. My partner is also very receptive when i ask him to help me fix problems that we have in our relationship . Only thing is, I have to ask him to help me. He wont take the initiative. And his explanations even though frustrating is that he just didnt think about it or that I was too fast into thinking about it. but by making him read articles about how is condition affects him, me and our dynamic as a couple, I feel that we are making a big step in our relationship.
Hello Bianca, So nice to read you positive comment! i feel the same about my partner – he has made me the happiest I have ever been. My partner is not diagnosed with ADHD but I feel sure that he has it. After me realising his likelihood of ADHD our relationship has become much better since I can understand better how he is working and thinking. But I wonder how you are communicating with him without him seeing it as you being critical. I feel that my partner is very emotionally understanding, but when it comes to him he just shuts down. How do you ask him to help you? How do you make him explain his frustrations? This is the biggest problem for me in the relationship, because I feel left outside alone when he “shuts down”. Best wishes and happiness, Lovisa
Hi Lovisa,
I think I have ADHD just like your boyfriend. I’ve found this about me for last 1+ years and it start to make sense why after reading this:
http://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/three-types-adhd#overview1
ADHD is divided into three different types:
inattentive type
hyperactive-impulsive type
combination type
People who experience inattentive behavior often:
miss details and are distracted easily
get bored quickly
have trouble focusing on a single task
have difficulty organizing thoughts and learning new information
lose pencils, papers, or other items needed to complete a task
don’t seem to listen
move slowly and appear as if they’re daydreaming
process information more slowly and less accurately than others
have trouble following directions
People who are impulsive or hyperactive often:
squirm, fidget, or feel restless
have difficulty sitting still
talk constantly
touch and play with objects, even when inappropriate to the task at hand
have trouble engaging in quiet activities
are constantly “on the go”
are impatient
act out of turn and don’t think about consequences of actions
blurt out answers and inappropriate comments
If you have the combination type, it means that your symptoms don’t fit inattention or hyperactive-impulsive behavior.
Most people, with or without ADHD, experience some degree of inattentive or impulsive behavior. But it’s more severe in people with ADHD. The behavior occurs more often and interferes with how you function at home, school, work, and in social situations.
You’ve said “I feel that my partner is very emotionally understanding, but when it comes to him he just shuts down.” Do you see what has happened here? nobody likes negative things about themselves. This can lead him to anxiety or depression on top of ADHD. And yes, good thing that you are trying so that he opens his heart to you. As you can see, he is working really hard to make you happy but feels disappointed/short because he thinks that you want more or he wants to impress you more. To make this more effective, make things simpler by expecting less (let go all the fancy stuff and desires). Try to understand him rather than fix him. Do/say something nice about him (just like you want him to say “I love you” to you).
Now you will know more about his conditions, you will understand him more and that will make your relationship to grow. It is all about learning about each other everyday and sharing all the goodness & sadness, ups & downs together. If you do that, your relationship will flourish.
I was diagnosed with ADHD a month an a half ago. I went to the dr prompted by all the criticism and complaints I get from my boyfriend of two years and now I understand a lot of his frustrations and complaints. Although, I have not told him about the diagnosis. I also have hypothyroidism and he already refers to my thyroid meds as my ‘crazy pills’. I am afraid now he is going to say I am literally crazy now if I tell him I have ADHD. I just started treatment. I was thinking that perhaps if the treatment works to manage the symptoms, I wont need to tell him. After reading this article, I think I should tell him. I appreciate and suggestions on how to approach the subject from someone who has an ADHD spouse. Thanks.
After reading this article and the comments I felt relieved that I’m not alone on this. Although he’s not officially diagnosed, I think my boyfriend has ADD. Once, he mentioned that he thought he might have it because it was difficult for him to focus on finishing tasks. Also he mentioned that his brother has it, so I began to do some research on the topic and I made him take a test that I found online and he has most of the symtompts. He is the most wonderful, caring, loving guy and incredible father. I love him so much and I want to help him because I believed in him, his potencial and in this relationship. It can get frustrating and sometimes I want to shut down to analyzed how am I going to deal with him.
I am going to keep researching and make him research as well to find our happy medium 🙂
Wow its wonderful to read all these comments! I relate so much! My husband forgets agreements, which several people mentioned. I knew he had add, but i didnt realize that might be the cause. When he gets home he can’t stand to have any serious talks or do anything around the house. Therefore I often feel that my needs are being set aside for later, and later never comes. This causes built-up frustration and resentment inside and sadness as well. He needs hours and hours of downtime bc work is that stressful, and sometimes he’ll act selfish about it, getting mad at me for intruding on his time. I never thought this too could be a symptom of his ADD. One thing I wish is that he would educate himself more on what his symptoms are, and to be more proactive on learning ways to manage his own ADD better. All these comments have helped me to realize I am failing in a way as a wife to be understanding. They have made me more compassionate and I hope I can remember to give him my understanding and to not expect him to be like me. It’s very hard because I look at marriage as an equal relationship and sometimes it doesn’t feel that way because of his ADD. He also has problems with anger which I guess has to do is speaking impulsively. It’s very hard for him to contain his frustrations or to listen when he’s angry. Thanks.
I have been married almost 35 years,and have wanted to leave our marriage so often the past 20 years. My husband has never been properly diagnosed with ADHD but i know he has it. He talks non stop and my patience is running out, I will ask him not to invite company for dinner and 20 minutes later someone comes to the door and he says if you have not had dinner yet come on in. We continually fight over stupid things and he really does’nt see that he is wrong. He drinks more than he would like to and I know he does this to calm himself down. His legs are always moving when he is trying to sit still.
I know I need to be more understanding of this, I wonder if he should have a proper diagnosis.
My boyfriend has ADHD, ADD, and a slight bipolar disorder. He’s is constantly unable to sleep until 4 in the morning because he claims that his brain can not slow down long enough for him to fall asleep. This results in him sleeping until 2 or 3 in the afternoon leaving him in a very pissy mood and making him feel like he’s constantly out of time. I will often come over to him having very angry bursts and he’ll start punching and breaking items laying around. It’s absolutely terrifying. I don’t see why he has to get so angry at everything i.e. his phone acting up, the shoe he tripped over, or towels on the floor. He is constant calling random objects bitches or whores just out of pure frustration. I just don’t understand. Several times a week I’ll come over to see him and his room is an absolute wreck and he hasn’t done laundry in a whole month. I take the innative to clean up his clothes and the numerous food plates that are laying around the room, from the previous week. I clean up after him because what takes me 7 minutes to do, it takes him 45, I also can’t risk him getting so frustrated and being pissed for the rest of the day becuse of something so small. He’s always on his phone, all the damn time, it infuriates me when I’m trying to have a conversation with him while he’s checking his sports news. I bought him a very nice satchel bag to keep his keys, phone, wallet, etc in, but he’s still loosing things left and right. He claims that he can’t sit down long enough to read his school textbooks or even ADD help books. It’s affecting his ability to even do college and his ADHD has made him depressed becuse he doesn’t feel like he’s able to get anything done successfully. Don’t get me wrong, he’s the kindest, most loving, and the sweetest person to me. But every day I feel like I’m constantly having to help take care of him. I’ve read my eyes dry with AAD and ADHD help books, but nothing seems to help. I’ve done every single things which those books suggest. Is there anyone who has more experience in helping a loved one with their disabilities, who can help me? It wouldn’t be much much appreciated, I feel like I’m trying and fail every day.
Make him wake up in the morning daily because the daily battle he does for not waking up on time make him frustrated and losing his selfesteem too, give him some work or goals to do throughout the day that he needed to complete it at the end of the day, tasks need to be light and few to start with, also make him focus on one thing at a time before jumping onto another tasks. Explain him cleaning is important for him to be productive, and relax ask him to do some meditation, walk or light excersice in the morning. Healthy food help too like eating oatmeal in the morning oatmeal soothing and keep mind calm..Being angry is only hurting him and his effectiveness of being productive…force him to sleep on time tell him the benefits of sleeping on time set the sleep target 2 hours earlier than the orginal time of sleeping and also remove all electronics include iphone, tabs, laptop, tv, games 3 hours before bed, it stimulates the brain and give mind another reason to keep it active and awake..make room more romantic to sleep in, he need to keep himself clean and the house clean ask him donot procrastinate do things rightaway..it will help him focus on his textbook too ( though for adhd textbooks bores them thats why its hard for them to keep their interest) i know things are easier said than done but he can get better by putting effort in making his routines are really good for ADHD
WOW! This sounds like my life – I live with my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years and he’s known about his ADD since high school but only a year ago started to see a doctor and taking meds. Besides bipolar though, he has the whole sha-bang of neurotransmitter problems. On top of ADD and bipolar, he has severe depression, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (also known about since he was diagnosed in high school) and gets some weird hypoglycemic (but it’s not caused by sugar, they’ve ruled out that) problem and crashes – literally, he has wrecked on a bike because all of a sudden he had an episode and passed out. He has bad addiction problems and before he got on his ADD meds he had the most extreme mood swings I’d ever seen. His body can not keep Vit D (poor eating habits/addictions there he won’t work on) in his system and so his mood swings get worse in the winter when it gets dark. His doctors told him he has to take vit d supplements every day, all year around, but he hasn’t since last spring. So now its dark once again he’s a TERROR to live with. Its been a fight for two months now to get him to acknowledge the bipolar. His ADD doctor, on their first meeting, sent him home with papers to research bipolar type II. I found them Dec of last year, and ever since then I’ve been pulling my hair out. He won’t work on any of his ADD/bipolar issues that are massively affecting our relationship. I’ve known for a year that the bipolar was resulting in us having huge fights, but didn’t realize that every other problem we have boils down to the ADD problems until last week I stumbled onto the website http://www.additudemag.com and read about how everyone else with an ADD partner has the same problems we do. Today I found the webpage:
http://www.drhallowell.com/overview-of-how-adhd-affects-relationships/
and again my mind is blown. He’s been telling me that I’m crazy and just a b**ch this whole time so I was sooo relieved and immediately started feeling better after finding those websites. However, I’ve been asking him to look at all this stuff for the last week but he won’t. He says he wants to break up unless we go to counseling, but as I’ve tried to point out, if he’d look into everything I’ve found it would explain a lot, and if he isn’t willing to look at this info and work on his ADD problems, then counseling is just a waste of money. He just thinks the doctors can give a miracle cure that he won’t have to put any time or energy into. He doesn’t want to have to make any effort dealing with his issues, not even looking at websites (even though he’s on his phone on FB and ‘click bait’ naked girl articles all the time) But he won’t look at these websites and this breaks my heart. He doesn’t put any work or effort into our relationship past sitting on the couch and watching TV together – constantly, all the while he’s on his phone. This is a relationship to him. His bipolar is rampant and everytime he drinks its like satan appears. He has such addiction/crutch problems. He feels the need to drink, do drugs, or abuse cough medicine to help him deal with his issues instead of working on them constructively and acknowledging the problems. (The combo of anti-depressants and ADD meds his doctors have told him not to drink on at all, and he’s not suppose to do drugs in order to keep his ADD meds, he gets piss tested for them.) I’ve done a ton of research on all of his issues, and nothing has helped me get through to him either, if things seem to be getting better he gets tired of having to make an effort and goes right back to the same old. All my friends have been asking why I stay with him when he is emotionally draining and unhealthy, goes crazy bipolar on me, and I say the same thing. He’s sweet and so kind, and we think so much alike on things. He just recently went back to school and I was so excited that he’d be happy to be doing something he like. Boy was I wrong. He’s using school and work as an excuse to be a giant jerk and not do anything else. He’s not even going full time and he can barely handle it. He basically uses all of his other responsibilities to justify not putting any effort into his responsibilities in our life together – helping with the home, pets, or our relationship. I’m just so tired and sick of all this drama from him & his problems & yet he won’t even TRY…
I’m sorry to say this to you, but do not feel that because you have fallen in love for this person that you need to stay and be his mother (which I’m sure he resents). Fast forward 10 years in your mind…what do you see? If you say much of the same you are deluding yourself into thinking this is not going to get worse. This gets worse with age because you have now become the enabler. Good luck with this, but my response is to care for yourself and leave this person. Not all people with ADD makes the sorts of choices he has decided to make. Some actually do their own dishes…some actually put away their own towels…some actually buy flowers for you just because…Some actually allow take their meds so that they can have the clearest thought they can and usually that clear thought involves you. Leave.
The more you “help’ him the more, in time, that he will resent you for it. You can choose to love someone with ADD and work on the relationship but it is critical that you are not trying harder than him. He has to be 100% on board and committed ON HIS OWN MOTIVATION to work on ADD symptoms for the relationship to succeed. If he’s in denial or just going along with things because you are pushing him to then this relationship will fail miserably. You will be miserable and it will never get better.
I have ADHD and I started medication two weeks ago. ADHD is not something a lot of people know about around here. I have been dating for 8 months now. Tried to get my partner to read more about the condition so as to help him understand me more and why I do some of the things I do. But every time I want to, I feel like he’s going to think I am using it as an excuse to not accept my mistakes. Which I do, but I just wish he would take that into consideration.
Often when I try to explain how his actions and words make me feel he gets defensive as if I’m condemning his actions. But I just want to be clear on what he means so I know how to adjust my emotions because they are constantly overwhelming. We argue too much and I dont know how to get him to understand. I dont think he fully understands me and I dont know how to make him without seeming to shift the blame to “ADHD”
Hello,
I am male and I have ADHD, my girfriend does not. We’ve been dating 3 years. The reason I’m replying is because I want you to know that I have the same issues with asking for understanding, and it’s because every time I’ve done it in the past people have only considered it an excuse for my mistakes. People hate it when others don’t own up to their mistakes, but no one would blame someone with down syndrome, or autism. The problem is that our neurological disorder is just discrete enough that we seem perfectly healthy and normal to neuro-typical people. In reality it’s kinda like we’re slightly mentally retarded, but juuust enough so that people think it’s our own fault for not trying. Maybe people 100 years from now will read this thread, and it will serve as a reminder just how barbaric people were when it came to having compassion for people with ADHD. I wouldn’t be surprised if more than half the population still thinks ADHD is fake.
You nailed it. That is the biggest issue. The stuff our brain hands us to struggle with daily is pretty much the same thing as a neurotypical simply having a bad day., or someone who is really not interested in trying to live an organized life. So people think that is the issue, but really, we want to be organized, not be so impulsive, easily overwhelmed, etc., but our neurochemistry gets in the way in ways that people can’t see.
You want understanding. I understand that. I have epilepsy. I want understanding. If my ADHD boyfriend won’t take the time to understand me and how epilepsy affects my behavior, why should I work hard at understanding and excusing his behavior? Relationships are two way streets, even when you have a neurological condition that challenges you ability to see beyond yourself. Have you read the number of posts from people in relationships with people with ADHD who have their own chronic health conditions? I don’t use my epilepsy for an excuse, though it explains things. I still know wrong from right. And so do people with ADHD.
Exactly J! Even though we have evidence that it is a neurological disorder, people still try to down play ADHD. There are scans and various tests to prove the diagnosis, but people still want to treat those with ADHD differently than others.
Hello,
I am a male with ADHD and I have been dating my girlfriend for about 6 months now (she does not have ADHD). I was only recently diagnosed and this is the first relationship I am in since having been diagnosed and I found that there are many internal struggles I face. The biggest issue I have faced so far has been that I take offense very easily to things that my girlfriend says and when that happens I feel like I overreact or shutdown and my girlfriend doesn’t know why.
It takes me a lot longer to process what is being said to me for two reasons: (1) I have to consider that my girlfriend is not out to get me or to upset me and maybe the ADHD is to blame for taking something the wrong way or not being able to control my initial reaction; (2) I have to take a step back sometimes and consider whether my reaction is how a person without ADHD would react. My concern is that eventually I will blame all of my reactions to my ADHD which completely absolves my girlfriend of saying offensive or hurtful things and just makes me blame myself even more for “messing up”.
While it is sometimes difficult to do at the time, I have found the best thing to do is to immediately ask what she meant by what she was saying. Without blaming the ADHD for feeling upset or offended I am trying to figure out what the intent was in what my girlfriend said rather than assume the worst. THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT TO DO!! but I have found that it makes it easier in terms of communication and easier on the relationship (so far).
I have been very lucky that my girlfriend is willing to work on things with me and try new techniques for communication. She has probably read more on ADHD than I have at this point and I have read a lot about it. If you have been able to overcome other symptoms of ADHD (i.e., being on time to events, sticking to a schedule, etc.) I have a good feeling that this communication issue can be resolved as well. Having said that, if anybody has experienced similar situations and figured out a way to resolve or at least lessen the frequency of outbursts/lack of communication, please reply to this post.
I recently found out my boyfriend has adhd and we lack on communication now i always end up to wait and many times he has wanting go out and never does anx yes it upsets me and ge knows that, what should i do? Ihave cared so much about him i want us to work my heart is in love with him
Hello,
I am also been in a relationship with someone who has ADHD. My fiancé has ADHD and I don’t. I completely understand what your saying. As a woman I knew I wanted to be with my fiancé even though, he had ADHD. I took the time to learn about, find videos that was easy for him to understand and for myself, I watch videos being the non ADHD partner with a male with ADHD. I will just say I read it all. Still, no matter how much you read it’s all about the experience. As a woman I had to realize 1) this isn’t a “normal” relationship because my partner has an illness that creates challenge in his life. 2) The communication isn’t the same. I had to learn that I have to make things simple, get straight to the point so, he understands what I’m saying and what I mean. My partner had to understand when I criticize him I am not trying to hurt him rather, I am saying it because I know he can do better no matter what condition he is. 3) Mediation is important and sometimes , I have to remind him to take it maybe, give it to him. If I don’t do this it could be Hell. Yeah, it may sound childish to do that or irresponsible but, sometimes you have to out those thoughts aside and realized the significant and afdsxt of one not taking their medication. 4) I realized our relationship wnt be always 50-50 sometimes I may have to pick up the slack but, as long as my man tries his best to do the best he can than I accept that… We both have challenges and their some things I can’t and he can’t do but, we are a team.
Lastly the most important techniques I could give you watch what you say because words hurt, walk away from an argument because is it worth breaking up over something so little and if it is important remember I live this because so, why would I want to hurt them. Love doesn’t hurt. l
Also give the partner who has ADHD time. Make sure you let them know that they are important. If you are a busy person and your not willing to give up some time, change your ways, and adapt for them well, you shouldn’t be with them. People with ADHD are so authentic , specially a man, because when they truly love you they will do anything for you to make you happy. Yes, they can be implusive, rude, argumently but, if you honest, truthful, and straight forward it will be okay
Charlotte,
I would advise you to be truthful about your shifting the blame onto ADHD. If you are honest you do shift the blame to ADHD when something ADD-y happens. Every ADD person does this and then swears up and down that they don’t blame ADD for what happened but they fully take responsibility for their actions. Just be truthful. Isn’t it the fact that you have ADD responsible for your lack of attention, (list other symptoms here)? So be truthful…then present a possible solution. One that has NOTHING to do with him. Not him reading about it…not him chasing an answer for you…nothing! Let me repeat that…1. Be Truthful – Yep, that was ADD Bullshit (you hate it too…don’t lie about that either), 2. Present a Solution (THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM). Example…messy house…dishes up to the ceiling, clothes everywhere, general ADD-iness exploded in your house! Solution: Hire housekeeper. Can’t afford one…cancel cable…cancel internet…cancel extras. Put your money where your mouth is. All Non-ADD people like myself understand this, but the biggest thing we do not tend to understand is lying, insistance that WE need to deal with something that’s your problem (once or twice is fine, but its ALL the time). Please admit that your life cannot be “complicated”. Keys put in SAME place everyday is a routine. Too many things dependent on your ability to remember them is NOT how to lead a successful life….ie: finances…get auto-pay. Restrict, limit, set boundaries, put up successful solutions around yourself so that you stay focused on the few things you have to make your life happy. This may not help…by now ADD has kicked in and your checking your FB. (Please laugh at this crap…it’s funny! If this were a Woody Allen movie or British humor…everyone would get it and laugh with you. Take it one issue at a time and present yourself a solution. Good Luck Charlotte! I am a straight foward woman so I packed some punches in here, but I sincerely believe you can do it! 🙂
I am the wife of a man with undiagnosed ADHD or ADD — this was suggested to me by my therapist after I started to share some of my difficulties in dealing with him. I finally brought it up and he has been defensive and not willing to read much about it. I feel that I am doing all the adjusting in the marriage, while he implies I am being too critical. I am very stressed out (my job demands a lot of time and thought) — I am the primary wage earner (he is retired on a very small pension). I feel like I am married to a teenager and dealing with him (forgetting things, losing important things, being late, not listening well to me, not being very attentive to me, etc. etc.) is really stressing me out. I have told him we must go to a counselor who understands ADD/ADHD and its implications for marriage. I think things would improve if he was actually diagnosed and he started to take responsibility for dealing with it. I think he is OK with seeing a therapist in the new year, but again, I will need to make all the arrangements, etc. How can I start to appreciate him more and yet deal with the real problems he creates because of the symptoms of ADD/ADHD? Again, a big problem is that I don’t have too much energy left to deal with additional stress. I cannot wait to retire in six and a half years, but that will be a long time. He is ten years older than me (I am in the late 50s, he in his late 60s) — we haven’t been married but just five years and I want our older years to be happy together.
Nancy,
I have been married to my husband for 24 years and he has ADD. 9 years ago when our son was diagnosed with ADD I started reading a lot about it and realized my husband also has ADD. It was a huge relief to know there was a reason for his negative behavior and I thought that he would see himself in all of the information we had on ADD, he would get diagnosed and treated. Instead he denied he had ADD. We were already in family & couples counseling. It took 9 years for the therapist to get him to the point where he would answer the self assessment questions honestly & for him to admit he has ADD. Like you I was under a lot of stress. I have a Severe case of fibromyalgia and was like a single mother. After being diagnosed my husband refused to address his ADD & continued to blame me for all of the problems in our marriage. I had previously talked privately with our therapist about divorcing my husband. The final straw was his refusal to take responsibility for his ADD & the negative fall out of its symptoms. I met with the therapist and told him that I could no longer take my husband’s behavior and that if he did not get treatment for his ADD and change I was truly going to divorce him. Stress aggravates fibromyalgia. Even though I am good at managing stress the level with my husband had gotten so high it caused the fibromyalgia to flair so much that I could not get out of bed. I told my husband that I was at the point where I had to choose to take care of myself and that I would divorce him. He got an ADD coach and started working on self awareness with our therapist. In spite of this, he is not using the tools he is being given to manage his ADD and moodiness. My husband is 62 &I’m 56. The only thing I can say is that it has helped me to work with a therapist. I have changed the way I communicate with my husband and learned not to take anything he says or does personally. This has not improved our marriage because my husband just keeps refusing to work on himself. I love my husband very much. I want to have a good relationship with him. Sadly, I do not believe he will put in the work. I believe our marriage will end in divorce because life is so much easier for me when we are not together. So take care of yourself and do what is best for you. Love alone cannot sustain a marriage . I wish I could offer better advice but if he refuses to admit that he has ADD he will not change. Good luck , Jane
Nancy, I really feel your pain. I have been with my husband for 13 years and only married for one. I knew all along he had ADHD (which is undiagnosed or should I say he is unwilling to admit). But I could handle it until we were married. I have RA which also has flare ups during stressful times. Since we got married and are together all the time now (he retired in June 2016) I have been barely able to get out of bed some days due to physical pain. I am so tired of having to explain myself constantly, being told how controlling I am (because I am organized),. I am just sick at how all of this has turned out! He refuses to even take natural supplements because he doesn’t believe there is a problem. You are right, Love alone cant sustain a marriage. It has to be a partnership. Being a partner to someone who has untreated/not admitted ADHD is very hard. I wish you well
My relationship is so much like yours. I have diagnosed fibro with PTSD and am living with my husband with ADD, a son with the same, plus a daughter with probable ADHD. Our relationship is this weird, constant whirlwind of trying to problem solve, trying to coach, trying to encourage, and just lots of trying. The house is a trash disaster and I loathe it. It alone triggers my fibro. But, I can’t get a housekeeper because he sees that as unnecessary. There is a lot of blaming—he asked the kids but they’re dragging their feet (and they’ll say he didn’t ask), and there is never a “right or good” time to have adult-level conversations. Even intimacy—I take pain meds that impact it and find it difficult and he takes that personally too. It’s hurtful, as is “I wish you were the woman I married”. He thinks that I think he’s a bad husband/father when I ask for basic, non-related things. He won’t do therapy (but the rest of us are in it), and even suggested we get divorced but maybe I could contact somebody & get the papers in order. I just told him to work it out himself if that’s what he wanted.
Our kids are struggling because we are all on edge. I try to patch it up and smooth it over but it’s like giving up my dignity every time….because “I’m the problem”.
Hilariously I work as an education assistant with kids that have needs includung ADD. My son willingly takes his meds because they work. It just doesn’t work in a marriage because my husband is defensive, stubborn, and lies when he feels embarrassed or criticized. He effectively filters out compliments or any positive traits I have. When I say, “if I’m really that awful of a person, I wouldn’t want anyone to be with her”, he usually says nothing.
I don’t know. I wish it were different. I feel guilty for having fibro. And I feel just so done.
Dude this explains so much…I wish I hadn’t felt so scared and isolated in dealing with my ex with ADHD… I really didn’t understand him well enough I realize now…it’s really tough to be aware and accepting of these problems and not take stuff personally or wonder if someone is trying to use the ADHD title to get away with things. I really loved that guy though, even through the chaos I experienced I don’t feel he was a bad person. He just had so many issues and I felt like I was falling apart after awhile…it’s sad the way things work out…thanks for this discussion guys I learned a lot reading your responses…
Hi, I’m a 16 year old Boy with a loving girlfriend, however we seem to get into fights over stuff here and there. These fights eventually accumulated into her being damaged emotionally, I love and care for her very much. But I keep making mistakes because I have trouble thinking before doing. She acknowledges that I have ADHD & Aspergers, but there is only so much pain she can handle. I’m asking this now because I don’t know where I can get a definite answer, is there any way I can help change myself to fix these problems.
I absolutely hate hurting her emotionally, and I want to work hard to fix these.
Hi there
After reading up on the symptoms of ADHD I believe my partner may have this.
I really don’t think I could even suggest it to him as believe he would fly off the handle with me.
I think it would be damaging to our relationship for me to suggest it.
Has anyone here had to suggest it to a partner who may not have considered this for themselves?
Thank you
Hey, Ashtin,
it’s really sweet of you to acknowledge that some of your actions may be hurting the girl you love. Most young people would not have this insight until they are well into adulthood. I would say, educate yourself about your ADHD and Asperger’s online, and if you can, get a professional counsellor on board to assist you to identify your patterns: things that make you act impulsively, what is really going on for you when you appear acting thoughtless, how you can give yourself some time before you make a decision that your girlfriend finds helpful and how the two of you can find a way to move forward together. Getting a professional person who spent years learning about ADHD (and may even have it themselves!) will save you a lot of time and heartache.
Hi there
I believe my partner may have ADD or ADHD, I’m not sure if the difference.
I believe if I even suggested this to home he would fly off the handle with me.
Has anyone ever been in this situation?
I’m so worried it will damage our relationship if I suggest it to him.
Hi I feel the same way with my significant other as well, but I learned how to pick the “right timing” with him its usually in the evening and best for us (cause we live together just the two of us no external family etc) I wait also for his “card night” he plays cards with 7 other men in a poker league he has known most of these men all his life so he is always “at ease” when they come over to the house, we host it 2 x a week. So I just mentioned it to him quickly as he was “passing by” the hall way to the mens room and he was neutral about it so at least i planted the seed maybe if you find the right time for your significant other it may help “ease the blow” if you will……Hope that helps feel free to email me if you want thanks Mary
Hi,
I’m in the exact same situation. I tried to tell him, and he took it quite well. But since then (a month ago) nothing has happened and we haven’t talked about it again. We have an amazing relationship for what I would say two weeks at a time, and then something happens – usually I am criticising something he did or didn’t do, but it can just be a small comment and it starts. (he has problem with money, organizing, and many other common ADHD traits). I feel as if I’m very understanding and try not to loose temper, but I also feel that I have to be allowed to criticize/say how I feel when I think he has done something wrong… but it never leads to any good. I don’t know how I should deal with these situations. It feels like he can’t understand how I feel, and I don’t know how to communicate it because he just misunderstands everything I say.
Ok I have ADHD, to the point that when I went in to reviewed as an adult, he said there are not letters big enough to describe the level of it.
I’m kind caring and loving. But I am quick to fight. Well was.
My boyfriend of almost 7 years loves me anyway. We have good communication. One thing he never does is make it seem like there is something wrong with me.
He also has ADD. He has never been clinically diagnosed but we are aware of it. I am not on meds nor is he.
Sometimes I think that all the non ADHDers want us to conform to their way of thinking and processing things and by them doing that it sets off a downward spiral for us. I do not process emotions the same as others, and not even the same way as he does.
I have read all the comments here. Some of you are in the right track to a healthy relationship and others I wonder why you are in it. Its not about who is right or who is wrong. Nor is a relationship about pointing out faults of another. A healthy relationship is about knowing how the other one works and helping them to thrive.
I have shown him many articles and he gets me. He understands that when I say something cold and callus that my intention is not to cause pain, just the opposite. I am short and to the point. ADHD does NOT cause someone to be abusive nor is it a excuse for doing bad things that is all on the person doing it with or without tbe ADHD they would probably do it. It drives me batty when someone says “I have ADHD thats why.” That is a cop out.
I struggle daily to work through mundane daily tasks they bore me. But I reward myself by letting my brain go free once complete.
Here is an article that I truly love because why should we have to change for you non ADHDers we process things faster we can handle things in a high stress sittiation we can juggle more things at one time without anxiety. I’m truly sorry for those of you who think that you love your partners in the manner to spend a lifetime with them. But that kind of does not see anything as a problem.ot is seen as a part of the person you love to end of time. We have our struggles but the ADD/ADHD is not one of them. We are raising 3 beautiful girls in a blended family, at our farm. Im not saying that there is no love there with those of you that view it as a “problem” but my daughters dad can attest that the love we have is not one to sustain a marriage lasting a lifetime hence he is an ex. He noticed to many of the traits that make me me. http://m.additudemag.com/site/additudemag1/articleredone?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.additudemag.com%2Fadhd%2Farticle%2F10117-2.html#2922
Seriously check this article out. This site is wonderful as well. I have had ADHD since birth. And 2 of the 3 girls have it as well. True ADHDERS are brilliant I mean like almost Einstein brilliant. But we get board with the hum drum of non-ADHDERS and their expectations put on us. Maybe there is something wrong with them? Just kidding it takes all kinds to make the world go round but the lump in throat you got after reading that sentence is how we feel when someone that is supposed to love us for us says we are wrong. God made me this way so this way i stay.
So many people say that they have never met someone like me and how refreshing it is to have conversations with me. Because of the honest to the point conversations we have. I guess God knows what he is doing after all.
this is beautiful. thanks for sharing!
So what you’re saying with “when I say something cold and callus that my intention is not to cause pain, just the opposite. I am short and to the point. ADHD does NOT cause someone to be abusive nor is it a excuse for doing bad things” is that you’re copping out by being cold and callous? Sure, God made you the way you are, but you’re copping out by saying that it’s everyone else who needs to change.
My gf with ADHD had cheated on me in the past, we worked through it and things are going great now, but it is still a concern of mine that it may happen again. Does anyone have advice on this or how I could help her to avoid doing this without being controlling or not wanting her to go anywhere without me? How can I hold her interest?
Ive been dating my girlfriend for a year now and she has ADHD. Honestly, I would let your girlfriend know how you feel and IMO I don’t really think you can help her “avoid” cheating. I would think that would come down to her and how she wants to handle her life. If she “can’t help it” then I would advise you to move on because its just going to end up eating you up alive in the end.
I think that is more of a trust thing between you and her and open communication. I know that must be hard for you as I have been cheated on before. ( not with current girlfriend)
Just today my boyfriend told me that he has ADHD. We’ve been dating for two years, and it kind of bothers me that just now he is deciding to tell me. I had no clue before he even mentioned it. I feel like I’m looking at him differently now, even though I love him the same. I hope his condition won’t affect our relationship; it hasn’t in the past. Now that I know, I’m just a little worried. How should I fix this situation?
Wait wtf? You didn’t even know he had it and didn’t expect it this whole time. That’s *&?$! you think you should look at him differently now. He hasn’t changed.
Hi Jacqueline,
I think I have ADHD just like your boyfriend. I’ve found this about me for last 1+ years and it start to make sense why after reading this:
http://www.healthline.com/health/adhd/three-types-adhd#overview1
ADHD is divided into three different types:
inattentive type
hyperactive-impulsive type
combination type
People who experience inattentive behavior often:
miss details and are distracted easily
get bored quickly
have trouble focusing on a single task
have difficulty organizing thoughts and learning new information
lose pencils, papers, or other items needed to complete a task
don’t seem to listen
move slowly and appear as if they’re daydreaming
process information more slowly and less accurately than others
have trouble following directions
People who are impulsive or hyperactive often:
squirm, fidget, or feel restless
have difficulty sitting still
talk constantly
touch and play with objects, even when inappropriate to the task at hand
have trouble engaging in quiet activities
are constantly “on the go”
are impatient
act out of turn and don’t think about consequences of actions
blurt out answers and inappropriate comments
If you have the combination type, it means that your symptoms don’t fit inattention or hyperactive-impulsive behavior.
Most people, with or without ADHD, experience some degree of inattentive or impulsive behavior. But it’s more severe in people with ADHD. The behavior occurs more often and interferes with how you function at home, school, work, and in social situations.
I’m pretty sure you have witnessed/dealt with some of symptoms/behavior listed above from your boyfriend. Go to the link that I’ve mentioned and print them out and discuss with your boyfriend 1 on 1 to see if he can point out some of behaviors that he is having. It is all about learning about each other.
Questions for you:
1. Why is this bothers you?
2. How his condition changed/effected you?
3. Are you going to fix him or his condition?
4. Are you going to accept him for who he is (unconditionally)?
5. What is “your” definition of love?
I hope your relationship with your boyfriend to last. If it hasn’t affect in the past, I’m pretty sure that it own affect you that much because it didn’t. Now you will know more about his conditions, you will understand him more and that will make your relationship to grow.
My boyfriend of almost three years finally told me he has ADD. Explains a lot. I think he told me to: 1. Explain his behavior 2. To have an excuse for bad behavior in the future. Since he told me, I’ve been reading all I can on the disorder (I had about come to the conclusion he was narcissistic.) and it sounds a lot like someone with strong narcissistic leanings. I have epilepsy. I cannot deal with the “out from left field” attitude of just not giving a damn about anything all the sudden, forgetting about me when he’s working on a project, refusing to discuss feelings and our relationship, and trying to live his life like John Wayne. (Independent loner.) Now that he has told me he has ADD, he seems to feel more free to be himself (he’s not on medications.) and that includes a lot of bad behavior. We do not live together but talked about living together about a year ago but that isn’t going to happen. His idea of intimacy is to like everything I post on Facebook and sharing my posts on his. After reading this board, I think it’s time to put an end to this relationship. For those who would say he puts up with my epilepsy. He doesn’t. He leaves me alone to recover and tells me it’s not his problem. He shows no love, no concern, nothing really. I take medication, btw. What do I get from this relationship? He chases other women (though I know he could never get close to any of them), gives me the silent treatment when he’s angry at me, and tells me to find someone else who can listen to me when I have a problem. He tells me he will never change and doesn’t want to. He will give advice if something is broken like a car, furnace, etc. but that’s it. I’m finished. Sorry. It’s better to be alone and content than to get in deeper emotionally with a man who will never be in the relationship. The funny in not such a humorous way is that all I have to do is stop contacting him while he’s busy with a project. He’ll Facebook message me in a week or so. I’ll ignore it and that will be that. I sound callous, I know. But, it’s beyond painful anymore. I had planned living in Paris for six months before we met. I think that’s where I’ll be when he sends that Facebook message, that’s just how much of a priority I am to him.
Dear all thank you for this amazing support and for sharing experinces. I have been with my boyfriend for six years. From the moment I met him I could see that he is strugling and that his behaviour is not “normal”. It took me three long years to make him free enough to ask for professional help. I have realised very early that his problems surpass my knowledge to help and understand. Eventually he got diagnosed with ADHD but only when he saw that the problem is so big that is not allowing him a functional day to day life. When he was diagnost due to a very stresfull period in my life I couldn’t fully invest myself in understanding everything that comes with it. He has left me just few days ago. He said that I am destructive for him because I am too successful and he can’t cope with the passive pressure my everyday succes (even as small as getting out of bed) and that that worsens his state. I still want us to work out but it is very difficult when the other side chosses not to work as a part of the team. Did you ever experince this kind of response from your ADHD partner? And how do you define the time when you simply give up?
I’m struggling too.
As for my hubby, I have been with him for 11 year’s this October. And I don’t know how much more I can take. It’s hard. I feel so alone. I have been asking for us to get help for a couple of year’s now but my hubby thinks he can help himself. If I leave him it won’t be because we have so many problems in our relationship, it’ll be because he makes the same handful of mistake repeatedly. I have 2 children with him though ( a 5 yr with adhd and a 2 year old) and I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’ll stay with him but I’m not sure if we’ll ever be happy. Maybe if he gets help things might change.
6 year’s is a long time to be with someone. I hope you both can figure it out.
If not we both need to remember that we deserve to be loved and appreciated.!
Please check out our ADDA Virtual Peer Support Group for people just like you – It’s the Non-ADHD Spouse Peer Support Group. https://add.org/virtual-peer-support-group-spouserelationship-peer-group-adhders-non-adhd-spouses/
Good luck!
My boyfriend of two months has adhd and has many female friends. He won’t stop getting calls and calling these women. I feel that we are a couple now, that this should stop. He still is friends with his ex’s
also. Doe’s he do this because he has low self esteem, and needs the attention. He says he won’t change. Should I stop seeing him? He stops and talks to everyone he passes by, mostly women. I think this is rude. I may as well not be standing there, because he ignores me and keeps talking to the women. He says he will keep his women friends. I need advice please.
I have the exact same problem that you have with my boyfriend. I think its inappropriate for him to be texting and communicating with his ex gf and he is constantly checking out other women in front of me which i feel is so disrespectful. He tells me I am just a jealous person and i often feel like i am crazy. I wish someone would have a good answer for this behavior
Not an ADHD issue. He’ s just disrespectful.
Hi everyone! It was great to read this. I often feel alone in all this. Even my own mother does not understand what I am going through. After being married for seven years, we have come to realize my husband might be struggling with ADD. I had suspected something was going on a couple years ago. We own two homes, two kids (3 yrs, 2 months), two cats, a dog, and we both work full time. There is always a lot going on.
He is active duty military for 16 years, so we are a bit concern with having the diagnosis and how it might impact his career. Anyone have any experience with this?
He struggles with insomnia and loves playing video games. Are these things at all related to coping with ADD/ADHD?
Alicia,
Very similar to my/our circumstance. My husband is also active duty and in for 16 years. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a preteen. He is not on medication. Every bit of our relationship has been a battle. We do everything on his schedule. I was always a very organized, prompt, and responsible person. If there are decisions that takes two of us, it will take a very long time to get it done. It has been extremely frustrating. My husband plays video games as well, all the time. It is the only thing he does.
Perhaps your husband releases tension, resentment and stress by playing video games.
Perhaps. But hour upon hour? Perhaps if he tried medications, he wouldn’t need to play video games as much and would have time for his relationship.
I hear the desperation and pain in the non-adhd partners over and over but see little addressing this with compassion. The pain , isolation, loneliness, and loss of identity that is so common in them sorely needs tending to. It seems most “professional advice” focuses on understanding your ADD mate and stresses having compassion for them, which is needed, and I totally agree with, but still leaves the non-add partner wounded, hopeless, and starving for a connected reciprocal relationship. How about more tools and tips for the ADD person to learn how to improve their relationship techniques to meet their partners needs also? They are mostly exhausted and many have hung in there out of their love for their spouse.
Hi Everyone! It’s me, June, the author of this article. Sue, you’re so right. The non-ADHD partner is often the one who is left starving for connection, involvement, and love in return. Ideally, both partners are putting in the same effort to maintain a healthy relationship, but that doesn’t always happen. You can’t change another person, you can oly change yourself. I know that’s frustrating but sadly, it’s true. The good news is… when you change how you think, feel, and act towards your ADHDer, he/she will respond to your attitude. Influence with love, not anger. I know that’s easier said than done, but it’s the only thing that really works.
I’m so glad I found this article. But I wonder the same thing, and what can I do or say that will make a big impact. I’ve been in a relationship for over 3 years. We have been long distance the whole time. For a period I lived in another state and now we are just a few hours away. I know he is trying in his own way. But previously he had broken up with me because he felt he couldn’t give me everything I wanted. He went from being very attentive, wanting to touch me and hold hands to finally breaking down one day when I was rubbing his arm that he actually doesn’t like being touched and he doesn’t know why. Its a feeling of scared of rejection but at the same time he knows I love him and want to be with him. Its like he has put up a wall but when it comes to the bedroom its different. On top of that he is struggling with the commitment to actually move to where I live since my job doesn’t allow me to move there. He keeps telling me he cares and makes sure he keeps our communication on a daily basis and sees me when he can or visa versa. I know he wont go on medication, but how do I talk to him about it so that we can work together? I feel like whenever I try and talk to him he feels overwhelmed and nagged.
Thank you so much for this article. I have researched for years to try to find answers to what was happening or what was going on but I agree with the article 100%. I love my fiancé for who she is and understanding what She has has allowed me to do that. Only with understanding could I have helped myself heal from the wounds of an ADD person. Now that I know that I was not hurt intentionally, allows me To be more loving limitlessly and unconditionally and more true to her. She in turn now, appreciates me more as someone who finally gets her. She is 39 years old and was single when I met her for years for most of her life. But now that she found someone who could understand and show that understanding daily with her, I have made her the happiest she’s ever been. It took tons of patience, self-control on my part, understanding, empathy, compassion, kindness, And unconditional love to get where we are in our relationship. But it also speaks volumes for those who love their 80 department, because we can show them what true love really is, that they Can be understood. And it can be so refreshing to them.So thank you for this Article it speaks volumes to me.
this was fantastic! thank you. my boyfriend of 2 years has ADHD and recently told me he is depressed. I am supposed to move in with him in 3 weeks and for the last few months he keeps saying that he is not ready for this step. (we are in our early 30s). I feel totally confident but he has been hiding his fear for a while and I am starting to get scared that this will end badly. We have been fighting recently over the move because I don’t feel that he is excited (or as he says, ready), i am not pushing him, we discussed this a year ago, time just flew by!
Is there anything that I can do to be more supportive? I am a highly sensitive person and I know that I have to manage that and not let the short temper and harsh words during an episode get to me. But adding in the depression, are there any tips? thank you!
@SM This may be coming a little late… but ADHD has a veritable TON of things involved in it. I’ve been diagnosed for over 25 years, and it’s still amazing how much it affects my life. I used to think it wasn’t a big deal, but it literally destroys lives. It’s not just simply an impulsive/inattentive disorder. Emotional dysregulation and impairment in information processing are also quite common. I would have you look up Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, it’s a very common symptom in ADHD sufferers. It can result in depressive symptoms as well (if briefly).
Remember, he has a physical neurological disorder, it’s not something he can control or change, and there will be some reactions and some effects that are “baked in” as it were. He needs to see a psychiatrist and begin treatment for it, so he can manage his symptoms and gain a better control of his mind. I went unmedicated for nearly 20 years, and I think it probably did more harm than I can imagine.
Hi, me and my boyfriend have been together a year. I was informed by his mom that he has ADHD when we first got together. But I thought its no big deal. It wwill not affect our relationship. But I soon found out how serious it is. I’m always very frustrated when trying to explain my feelings. Or just trying to explain anything. We constantly argue because he admit to being wrong but he can’t really grasp how to fix the problems. No matter how many times I actually tell him just what to do to fix our relationship. I know he loves me greatly but I constantly feel unloved because he really Dont know how to be affectionate . I try helping but he also have this ” know it all” attitude. He is a great guy . he Dont cheat. We Dont have issues of that sort . its just that he is constantly confused. About making desicions . he do things without thinking . or say things without thinking and my feelings are constantly hurt. Um trying to hold on but I think his ADHD might be more than I can handle
My girlfriend is going through the same situation. I often feel unloved and neglected by her. We’ve tried many times and it seems to work for a little bit but then goes back to normal. I dont know what you’ve tried but if you know anything that might help that would be great.
Hi, my boyfriend of just over 3yrs has ADHD an so do I. Neither of us are being treated due me not having insurance an he is waiting to see a psychiatrist. I work full time an due to a car accident he is not allowed to work cause of his health. On top of his ADHD he had all 4 hemispheres of his brain severely damaged in the accident. We fight over simple things like cleaning the home, who’s driving when we go somewhere, an we struggle a lot over what to make for dinner or a movie to watch. I will be like I don’t care pick something an he will tell me no you pick something. This will go on sometimes for hrs. Until we give up an end up not watching a movie or we won’t eat. It gets to be really annoying at times. When it comes to anger I have been diagnosed as bi-polar an also suffer from ptsd all along with ADHD. Can someone please help me with trying to figure out how to handle all this. I’m at the giving up stage cause I’m so stressed an aggravated with everything. Also we do both see therapists.
Im in a relationship with my girlfriend she 30 and has 3 kids from her relationship in the past I’m 23 and also a girl. We met last year every was good she was so caring and sweet . When I first meter I didn’t see any problems. Now I’ve moved in with her and her kids, I see a new said to her. She forgetful, she has anger outbrus throwing things. Making the same mistakes Over over again I feel like I need to walk on eggshells . But when it come to her kids she’s so loving she’ll never forget stuff for them. And always puts her kids frist before me. I feel so forgotten about and unloved by her. Being with her is hard she not the same any more .
Any advice please
she was just playing you stupid, plain and simple, women with baggage do that because nobody wants them so they try hard and once they find a guy who falls for this trap, they turn into their usual selves…bad gals, kiss em and dismiss em, get right witchya. It has nuffin to do with ADHD but you being silly.
Hey y’all, I’ve just recently started dating someone with ADHD and it’s been kind of stressful.
There are times where she gets frustrated and takes it out on me, and I know she doesn’t intend to do it. There are instances where she’ll talk about her feelings and come off as if she’s personally attacking me for issues that haven’t even happened.
It almost feels abusive and I’m not sure how much longer I can be patient and understanding. Are there any solutions to maybe de escalating these issues when they are happening?
The best thing to do is not stay in that relationship. Because these people are so charismatic it will always look perfect from an outside perspective but as time goes by you’ll start changing to meet those needs. Then you will find a new normal or trying to fit her needs. This is a great article but I think it is better directed to the people who have ADHD. I’ve been with a man who is well know which makes things harder. I would honestly say do not stick around it wont be worth it in the end. That is if this is a fresh relationship.
She is maybe overwhelmed, and frustration to anger is a nano second. Best is to be loving, and ask “What can I do right now that will make it ok for you?” She desperately wants to be understood, and that you have written here means that you want to understand her. It is not a personal attack – because of her brain going so fast, she needs to get all the words out, and consequently it bubbles out, words tripping over themselves, and she has not had the time to work it out, or use language that is more appropriate. It may be possible that if you ask her to repeat it, that it will come out better, and you will be aware that she needs to slow down… But being loving, and if she likes affection, that will also help. Or send her loving messages on the mobile phone, with a kiss or hugs, or whatever her favourite emoticons / emojis are. That will achieve lots, and she will feel supported. She needs to feel she is supported. Your life will be far happier too. It can be exciting to be in a relationship with a person with an ADHD brain. Try remember, regularly, what brought you two together in the first place – what was it that delighted you?
Yes my fiancé has ADD. It took a good two years for me to kind of figure that out because at first I thought it was abuse, she was reckless, does she care? etc. but I have found a way, at least with my fiancé, that has been working for the last six months. Honestly, you just have to be extremely patient and almost make yourself like air to where her words just passed right through and don’t trigger your anger or frustration or feel like a personal attack.
Be very kind if you don’t know what to say, then look at her and let her know that you’re listening say things like “I understand”, or “I’m listening, honey”, or “Wow” or “Really?” Sometimes I don’t say anything at all, I just listen, and then she’ll switch off to a different topic altogether. However don’t try to change the topic. What she’s telling you is very important to her so it’s also important to not appear that you’re trying to avoid a topic or change the conversation. Let her kind of just vent and lead the pace of the conversation, just show her that you’re listening and that you can follow it and that her feelings mean so much to me. I even tell her that. I tell her, Honey I can see how important this is to you, and your feelings are important to me so that means this is important to me. Tell me what I can do to help. Tell me what I can do to be a better partner for you.
Honestly, it takes a lot of selflessness patience, love and extreme kindness to be with someone with ADHD. You’re going to feel overwhelmed. You’re going to feel a little ignored and lonely and frustrated at times but you can’t let that show. You have to be able to just understand that it is a condition and know that but without treating them differently.
It took me a long time to adjust. She would constantly want to break up and fight over nothing. I thought she would blow up over the smallest little things but keep in mind that it’s not what she’s angry about. It’s how she feels. People with ADD have no emotional regulation, so when something bothers them it really intensely bothers them, or when something is frustrating, their emotions are multiplied.
When we feel upset or frustrated we can regulate it, we know that he was no big deal it’s kind of a small issue so I don’t need to react so big. Someone with ADD can’t do that. They just know I feel a certain way and therefore I react one way only. There is no regulation.
So what I’m trying to say is try to allow her to be herself in order for your relationship to work you’re going to have to be the really strong one the loving one the understanding won the patient won the kind won the one who listens. Intern though, I have found that when I do this we don’t fight the day ends on a good note and she loves me back for it. It may not be at those very moments when she’s upset or frustrated or overwhelmed, but she will have moments when she sitting there and she will reflect on how you treat her And those are going to be the moments that she’s going to be so loving and you’re going to say to yourself that she’s worth it.
Hello everyone, I really need your HELP/ADVICE. I really like this girl and I don’t know if she has ADHD or it is just me not reading the signs. I would move overseas because of her (not a really big deal). There were a lot of signs that she likes me (trust me, some other just random person wouldn’t do that, and I am not talking about sex). But she started changing. I have a feeling that she was doing things that would stop me from liking her (like talking about her ex-es, less physical contact, talking/texting with other guys etc. ). Normally it sounds like, yeah she’s not interested in me anymore. BUT I know that she is taking Aderoll + some sleeping pills, and she also behaves like she’s doing everything really quick…So Idk, is it really me being stupid or should I find a way how to approach her. It is eating me alive. Thanks guys!!!
She’s displaying symptoms of ADHD…those medications are specifically prescribed for that. Given that she is moving very vastly and displaying lack of emotion, it maybe because she’s not managing her medication correctly. Too high of a dose. The medication somehow has a numbing effect on emotions. She may have time management issues, and addiction to the medication that gets her going. She takes adderall to get that boost and takes sleeping pills to shut her mind off. That shows the adderall is too intense. She can’t handle the come down and either wants more adderall or puts her mind at ease with the downer. Her behaviors seem reckless?
Thanks for your answer. Yes I would say it maybe borders with reckless, sometimes, like trying to have an argument, making something out of nothing… But it wasn’t like that like 4 months ago. AI heard once you use Ambien and don’t fall asleep, you have tend to do some really crazy things – that would explain some things. But not responding to calls, texts, emails etc? Is it also some kind of a symptom? Also avoiding a physical contact? Another symptom?What approach should I have? It really bothers me, I really want to help her, really care about her. But don’t know how since there’s a distance between us right now.
Hi all,
I have been married for 23 years to the love of my life. He was finally diagnosed about 3yrs ago but has had many difficulties with the medication. Last year he decided he would be able to control his various ADD symptoms if you will. Well this summer he decided that he would have a simple fling with a woman..men do it all the time so what was the harm. I would never find out right? Wrong, I found his phone being a problem and he hid the messages until i saw a message from Bradley. I questioned him and he lied. I knew who Bradley was and watched him play this game with me for about 6-8 weeks. He was binge drinking every weekend and ended up with this woman every time. Well here we are now in counselling, he is back on meds and I find myself in a position of anger, crushed, heart broken…etc. You get the picture. He keeps telling me that he can’t think straight and i understand this but betrayal, not cool and I don’t know if i can forgive him. We are not separated but trying to work things out. It is very difficult when the other person has difficulty expressing their feelings. Just yesterday he said that now he is off alcohol, on ADD meds he is thinking clearer. His reckless behaviour is part of ADD but when I fought with him for 6 weeks about what he was doing and hiding his phone, deleting messages I just don’t know if i can go back to him. He is a liar and a cheater. He has broken our bond and destroyed my heart. Can you actually blame this on ADD? I feel like such a fool.
His ADD IS NOT an excuse hun. You should go ur seperate ways. U dont need a man like that. I have add and that doesnt make me or anyone else with add the right to cheat on anyone just because we cant think clear. Trust me we cant think clear enough to know that cheating is wrong. His cheating isnt the fault of his condition. Hes just simply a cheater that happens to have ADD. Move on and grow from this and focus on urself and better yourself and be happy. U dont need him 🙂
“He keeps telling me that he can’t think straight…” OK, here is my thoughts on this. I have a husband and child with ADHD. My child sees a therapist to work on her language skills (she also has a processing disorder) and her therapist has taught us to never let her use the excuse that she can’t think straight or her brain is not letting her do things. So, I think if my 7 year old isn’t to use this excuse, your adult husband shouldn’t either.
ADD is not an excuse for an affair. If he is not taking full ownership for what he has done to you, there is no hope for you to rebuild trust with him or have a relationship worth keeping.
My 72 yr old ADHD boyfriend makes plans with his 11 year old daughter, says he is including me then forgets to call until late in the day, i told him he has such disregard for my feelings, yet he doesn’t get why it’s so hurtful. Is this part of his condition or should I move on?
Good question! I would love to know the answer as well!
I think its the fact that hes old rather than the fact that he has adhd. Give him a break.
Natasha,
It’s a mistake to think that all people who you deem old are forgetful in this way. That’s ageism. In fact, people spend their entire adult life developing and practicing habits, including communication habits. Elderly people still have the habits that they put in place in their earlier adult life. The problem is not that Mary’s boyfriend is 72, it’s that he habitually makes plans, tells his daughter that he will include Mary and habitually doesn’t call Mary, until very late about the event. The issue in following through what he told his daughter he would do is an executive function issue, as Mary describes it, or not having a social habit, it’s not that a 72 year old is “too old.”
Hi everyone, I need advice. Im a 28 years old woman with ADHD and I live with my bf of two years. I was diagnosed as a child and take medicine somewhat regularly I sometimes miss a dose here or there but my main problem is that the medicine usually wears off by the time I leave work and when I get home I get into a lot of fights with my bf about the stupidest things. The only times we don’t fight is if I take my medicine later on in the day so that it doesn’t wear off at night which makes impossible for me to sleep. Ive talked to my dr and tried higher doses and switching meds but they usually will wear off later in the night as they are suppose to and I will say something that he just said or do something like forget my id when we went out for drinks nothing that is a big deal but he turns it into a big deal and just yesterday he told me that he could not take much more of this that he can not deal. I don’t know if maybe he is just trying to get a way out of the relationship and maybe I should move on to be with someone who actually accepts my ADHD that i don’t have to literally take my meds the second I see him so that I don’t do or say something stupid without thinking. We have been living together for over a year and he was always understanding and not rude and mean to me until a few months ago. I wanted to know opinions of how you feel about your ADHD partner when their meds wear off. Are you understanding, judgy, mad, rude, mean? Thank you!
Hey, I’m not someone dating a person with ADHD but I do have ADHD and the only thing I have to offer is that switching your medication to something other than a stimulant will help you sleep better. Also I fight with my boyfriend a lot too, so you’re not alone.
I’m married to a man who has ADHD. He can be tough after his meds wear off, and I have to act as a wall between him and the kids (because they are the ones who get under his skin the fastest). He sees an ADHD coach now and it has made a big impact in our relationship. (Still working on how the relationship with the kids, but it is progressing). Also, we have been to couple’s therapy with someone who is trained to work with ADHD partners. But, there are also great books out there your bf could read to help him truly understand what ADHD is and how it affects you and your relationship. Partners have to be in on it together, and both be willing to put the work into the relationship. So if he really wants this to work, ask him to please read some books or see a therapist together. Also, if you don’t have coaching, you really should try it out. It has greatly improved my husband’s life.
Hey Emma leave him!!!! It’s only been a year that’s not right. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years I would get mad at him only if he was mean to me and the kids or didn’t listen and would yell on something he thought he heard or he lied! But his Dr. up his medicine and put him on 2 time release a day. They lasted longer in the later afternoon . I hope that helps
My boyfriend of 3 years had been diagnosed with ADD as a child. I only found out today after dropping off his stuff after ending the relationship. Our relationship had been a constant on /off. There was no consistency. He was always frustrated with me, always walked out on me whenever I had an opinion,. I felt my feelings didn’t matter at all and everything had to be his way. I tried to adjust, he patient and approach him when it was right to and so on. Everything was always my fault. I love him so much that I was willing to put up with all this, I tried to understand how he worked so I can adjust as no one is perfect. The only issue I have and cannot tolerate anymore is that he texts random girls for attention and every time we have a tiff and he goes on a dating website. He knows it’s all wrong and apologises sincerely when he’s calm but I’ve given him so many chances and it keeps carrying on.
I have 2 kids from my previous relationship and they already know he’s been texting other girls.
I’m just not sure if i have to be understanding here or walk away?
Every time I see texts from other girls, it hurts me so much and he didn’t see anything wrong when he being stubborn. He tells me that I make him do this.
Walk away from this one. It’s just not worth it. Your kids don’t need that drama and he’s not going to change. Don’t fool yourself. You deserve better. I’ve been married for 7 years to someone who sounds just like this. I’m so unhappy
And he treats me so badly. Our two small children
Are starting to notice. He doesn’t even realize it! He has ADHD and took meds for it as a child. He won’t seek help now. He’s not going to change. Please save yourself even
Worse headache and walk away from this guy now.
Leave him is not worth it. I been married with one like that for 18 years they won’t change… same story just walk away . Don’t waste your time. It sucks. Even if he stops it with the other girls for a while it will always be an issue int he relationship.
My boyfriend of 2 years obviously has severe ADHD. He really loves me and he spends a lot of time thinking of how to make me happy and he has been affectionate and loving all the time we have been together. but there is something about him that makes me really more and more frustrated. he is not an attentive listener and our conversation mostly goes off the course because he cracks a joke or blurts out his random irrelevant thoughts when I talk. I pointed out this problem so many times we were both tired of discussing this issue though he agreed many times he will work on it but it seems like he forgets right after he promises and nothing much has changed.. or it seems like he does not get it at all from the beginning.. I feel like he is just in his own head when we have a conversation. He is very witty playful and goofy so he made me laugh a lot in the beginning of our relationship but it seems like it is impossible to have any sort of a serious chat with him and he does not show any interests in any topics that I am interested in at all. I ended this relationship because of this communication problem but he tired so hard to get me back that I could not just walk away so far and I do love him too. the thing is when I suggested medication a few weeks ago, he refused the idea and told me he does not want to change who he is and he loves the way he is. I agreed that I cannot change him or should not force him to take medication . Also he does not trust shrinks and he cannot afford psycho therapy because his work is unstable due to his adhd problem. but I am getting really frustrated these days and it is really stressful to be in his messy life as well. I am turning into a big nag and started getting tired of him…. do you guys have any advice in this situation?
Ameli, i am going through the same thing. My boyfriend of 4 years has been diagnosed with ADHD but refuses to take medication. Like you i understand its not my place to force an adult man to do anything, especially take medication. But im at a total loss. I feel lonely, unheard, and unloved. Hes the kindest, most honest man ive ever met – but im unsure if i can spend the rest of my life cleaning up after him and making sure he remembers his socks. Im an ENORMOUS nag and im sure he dislikes me for it, but i dont know how else to get things done. Seems like were at a crossroads and i dont know where to go.
I am a spouse of an adhd person who has been married for 28 years . If you are already having frustrations and reservations, that is your que to not make the relationship permanent . Any situation that is an issue now will continue to be an issue and if kids come into the relationship, you now will be taking on this responsibility basically as a single parent. When the spouse doesn’t take care of themselves they won’t/can’t take care of the child and the number of frustrations will increase as he is not able to help in so many ways needed to be a team player in parenting.
Ameli and Jo, my advice to both would be to move on. I have been married to a man with ADHD for 28 years, and he refuses to take medication or see a therapist. He is a functional adult in the work world, successful, actually — and believe it or not — is trained in marriage counseling. LOL. But when it comes to our marriage, he is classic ADHD denial. His “efforts” are good enough, he likes himself the way he is, I’m the one with the problem. I have always been the manager of our lives. I cajoled and supported him through all his dark moments when he would have given up his education or his career. I pick up his stuff every day that he forgets to put away. Promises to remember next time will always be broken. He jokes and talks over me. The days of him listening intently to my ideas and opinions were the 1st year we were together. That, I have learned, is the ADHD effect. I was “new” and exciting, like a stimulant medication that allowed him to concentrate on me. Afterward, it’s been all about him. It took me too long to realize that ADHD was the cause of all his bizarre behaviors, because he had never been diagnosed as a child. The only reason I haven’t left yet is our own child, who has special needs and I am home schooling. He is a good dad, and like I said, he provides for our family. But when our child no longer needs an intact family to thrive, I see no reason to stay. Do yourselves a favor now and find a man without ADHD who can be a true adult for the rest of his life, or at least one who admits he has a problem, takes his meds, and will accept counseling.
My bf got diagnosed with severe ADHD as an adult and also has a severe sleep disorder, which keeps him from being able to work. Within the past few years, he’s gotten more depressed and his fuse has gotten shorter. We get into misunderstandings often and he takes his frustration out on me verbally until I calmly tell him what I’m trying to say, then he usually apologizes or makes me apologize (and I do just to make the argument go away). I also have become more of a caretaker/maternal since he is very messy and needs a lot of emotional care (we are rarely intimate and usually just hug for a few seconds, per his choice). It’s really tough especially since I also have anxiety and he comes from a verbally abusive family (we think his Mom also has ADHD). I love him, but it’s getting harder and harder as he becomes more depressed and feels like he is being victimized. My health has taken a nosedive, too.
Hi Beatrix,
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and about 6 months ago we went to couples counseling. He was wuickly diagnosed with ADHD. I also have severe anxiety and we would be a simple discussion turns into a huge fight where our emotions would be extreme. One thing that dramatically helped us is the psychologist has us listening to podcasts on adhd and relationship advice that interest us 2x a week. Then we have to discuss it. Why this has helped is it brings thing from a defensive mindset to more of a learning and team approach. So if i have something that is bothering me…its like bringing a 3rd party in the picture. Maybe try this?
Thank you! We will try both approaches!
What are some of these podcasts? I’m in a similar situation and think this could help.
I resisted getting involved as i have mental health problems and have been hurt so many times which sets back any progress ive made with coping and functioning in general – but when my currant bf (diagnosed in his 40s with aspergers) persisted and insisted my issues would not affect a relationship with him, and knowing what i knew by then of similar past relationship problems, i believed we had a real good chance (please excuse any grammar mistakes) the first few months he seemed so proud to be my man, was attentive although our sex life wasn’t great the rest of the relationship was lovely – unless my depression hindered me participating in an activity which we both ordinarily enjoyed, but i always pushed myself so not to let him down, didn’t want to go through being made to feel useless or lazy again but sometimes i cant even hold a pen through being physically affected by my mental exhaustion, and i think this is when he started to withdraw from me, realised maybe i couldn’t be everything he hoped i would be, i adore him and have many books in the hopes i can find a way to be able to communicate, we only see each other once a week as is now and during the week he as good as ignores me, he has nearly slipped up a couple of times when saying he was talking about something sex related to…(hesitates before saying their name) so i ask who and he changes the subject or says cant remember or else makes me feel bad for not trusting him which will ruin our relationship etc, it feels almost like emotional blackmail, when we row because of how distant he is now or the horrible things he then says rather than accept he could possibly be contributing to us falling apart, he reluctantly agrees to read the help books for couples ‘if it will make me happy’ but never follows through. He has started working at least two hours longer each night lately which i didn’t push him about even though it made me question, but this week he said about me going to his for dinner this evening then called me back to say he had a business meeting that he forgot he may need to go to, yesterday he said it was ok as he didnt need to go now. He knew at the beginning of the week i wasnt feeling great so eould have to let him know for sure i could come on the day (i let him know yesterday i would) today i managed to be ready on scedule as he wanted me at his for 7. I heard nothing from him all day so at 6.30 i text him to make sure he was home from work, he didn’t reply til nearly an hour later when he said he was now home cooking his dinner. I was already on my way to his when he finally replied so i pulled over, said i will leave it for today then and just see you saturday shall i? He said yeh ok. That was it. He knows how hard it is for me to get ready on time and even leave the house due to anxiety but i was so pleased i had managed to do it all only to feel stood up. I turned round and came home again. He hasn’t said anything more as of yet to me. I know he has certain communication problems though have to say he didn’t display any problems in the first few months, sorry this is so long winded, i would like to know is there anything i can do to firstly find out if he is actually sincere? I know i cant make him read the relationship help books if he isn’t interested and i have tried ending it twice now but he eventually comes round lets himself in and acts like nothing has happened (he wouldnt have come round if that were true) he then tells me he cares, says he will make more effort, goes home and we are back to square one again. Are we already doomed because we both have needs because of our ‘conditions’? I adore him but im feeling more unwell now than ever and dont know what else i can do ?
My partner of 12 years was diagnosed with ADHD last year and admitted to a drug addiction as well not long after. Our major point of contention for the past few years are his disappearing acts. He’ll frequently say he’s running to the store or something quick like that and not return for 12 – 48 hours all the while texting me that “he’s on his way” or he’ll be back “soon”.
The first 8 -10 years of our relationship wasn’t like that. (He pulled many weekend all nighters, but they were with friends when I was around – not independent of me. I always went to sleep and got back up in the morning.) He’d always make it to his plumbing job Monday – Friday though, his work ethic was something I really respected about him because it was something we had in common.
He refused to go to addictions treatment and has supposedly been clean for 3 months now, but the disappearing acts and shady secretive phone messages are still happening. He’s been prescribed Concerta but it’s amateur hour compared to the illicit drug he was (is?) using – I’m not seeing any improvements in the ADHD behaviours and his disappearing acts have started happening on worknights this past year too.
I’ve begged, cried and tried to rationally explain how his behaviour is impacting my sleep, health, work, etc. He always says he’ll “try” to compromise but it just happens again in a day or two. There’s so much I love about the guy, but it feels like I’m just surviving life in spite of him being in it, no chance at counting on him for support for me. All I wanted was a partner/companion now I find myself being ambushed into a corner where I’ve become the mother-figure/bitch/nag for asking him to just be home between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. at night, just to be constantly disappointed over and over again. How do I unravel the ADHD symptoms from addiction symptoms? Is my request for him to stay home at night an unreasonable request?
Not unreasonable at all. I’m not a professional but that sounds related to addiction. I would seek professional help in your case. If he’s unwilling, it could be time to consider more drastic steps. Perhaps an intervention would be helpful.
I agree . It is not an unreasonable request..but Rw…. Whst you dont seem to understand is that its more than just addiction…..this person has ADHD as well…… Seems to me that you are judging bcuz of drugs…..
I know someone kind of like his partner.,.does whatever he wants, doesn’t call, but worse…..I am the one with ADHD but he doesnt seem to think thats my problem…its just me that’s the problem…. And the fact I had dabbled w drugs in the past (nothing like this mans partner) but bcuz of this man i had gotten addictions to certain pills.. I am doing s grest job cutting down…to the point where I won’t be addicted anymore..but he isnan extremely judgemental man w double standards bcuz hes a drunk……verbally, mentally, amd sometimes physically abusive….but he gives me hope..hope which , unfortunately is beginning to dwindle away… He says to just trust him and be happy…. But hiw can i when i ko he will be leaving me soon..and not just leave…just run away and leave me broke,alone, and w a broken heart…. All becuz of his assumptions…
My point? See the entire picture…..you just see drugs….
Hi, I’m looking for some help or advice if anyone can help me.
I’m 21, last year of college looking towards the possibility of starting a new life post graduating with my girlfriend (23). We’ve been together close to 2 years and she’s the one diagnosed with adhd. We have a long distance relationship which in itself is really tough for two people with no adhd. But adding that to the mix and my anxiety and various struggles due to a previous relationship, we’ve had a rough time.
We both love each other and are doing our best, but the reality is that we need a third party to help my partner. We’ve considered the option, but where she is currently living, there are very limited amount of LGBT friendly therapists that are within our budget. I’ve been reading book after book and articles to try and help our relationship, but each day it gets tough and the constant nagging/uncaring feelings appear and lead to fights over stupid things.
What can you suggest we try or read or do?
Please help us.
Hi Everyone, I am also looking for advice.
I really appreciate all your comments and helped me realize a lot. However, I still feel sad and hopeless to fight for our relationship with my ADHD BF. We’ve been in a long distance relationship for 2 years but only now I feel very exhausted and burst. All the feeling of those non-ADHD partners is also what I am experiencing until now like feeling unloved and no appreciation from our partner and even cheated once. I feel stress. I still have the feeling that, over million girls in this world why me has been chose to date him? and I don’t know if I will be happy to continue this path with him or I will just let him go. I also observe that I am just the only one fighting for us and if I give up, I feel like he will not chase me and fight for me. He threatened me many times that he will break up with me and I am just the one asking and beg him not to and continue to workout with me. But after reading all your messages here, I feel like I am not really a super hero to save him, and I don’t know if I am still sure to workout with him. He always doubted me loving him but in fact I am just giving him unconditional love, but he never appreciate that and I only received resentment. please help me…
For those partners who is non-ADHD:
1. what is that main ingredient or reason why until now you still willing to fight for your relationship even you are not married or not?
2. Where does your strength coming from to continue to fight for your relationship?
3. Is it really worth fighting for?
maybe base with your answers will help me figure out what to do next. thank you.
I don’t know how i let this happen… the love of my life of 18 years is throwing me away like a piece of garbage he wants nothing to do w/Me i Am devastated by his actions and his verbal assults everytime i try to have a conversation try to tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am that I can’t do anything right in his eyes anymore but you got to know the backstory I have been with this man for 18 years and no it hasn’t been easy for either one of us . I try and try to do my best I am in love with him and I thought he loved me the same way I trusted him completely. It’s been the two of us for so long I thought he understood me I thought he knew everything about me I struggle with ADD depression anxiety and all that crap that goes with it he’s a recovering drug addict he has dyslexia I don’t hold that against him I have helped him through all his struggles over the years I was always there for him I’ve had a difficult last few years I lost my grandmother she was that one person I knew love me unconditionally if anyone can understand what that means like I do he has a landscape business that he started with $0 12years ago I am very proud of him he’s a very hard worker I’ve even worked with him on many occasins bm verytalented he’s done very very well for himself I am a hairstylist I have been since 1995 it’s my true passion I do very well but it’s taking me a little bit of time to get on track working in a nice high-end salon because that’s what I deserve ut as yhe had to make me see that for myself because he pushed me in the right direction . rsI’ve tried so hard to be there for him and anything I could to make I would forteeaeareformyothererltoknow I don’t even know who this man is he doesn’t understand anything it’s all about him but I guess it’s always been about him he’s dyslexic I know this man so well I don’t know what I did tell to have him hate me this much he’s so angry he thinks I hurt him so bad really isn’t one specific thing that I even know of I go to the grocery store too long you know the typical s*** like was along with all this nonsense can’t talk we fight I’ve been walking on eggshells for so long I just want to be happy with him I want us to be happy I want him to fight for us like I have fought for us. I thought we were in this for the Long Haul’ because I know in my heart we were meant to be together I just know otherwise why would we have been fighting this whole time for each other . I know people get tired I know people need to feel loved and appreciated and that’s all I do is love and appreciate that man I jus t don’t know how to fix this and maybe I can’t fix it maybe that’s what’s killing me hes beentaking testosterone gel maybe the last 4 years and I’ve noticed a drastic change in him he’s hostile mean moody he’s smoking pot again has been for a little bit now used to be just at night but I know it was going to happen now it’s all day long don’t tell me that don’t change somebody because it does I’ve seen it with my own eyes so where the mass he wants to be out of our house I don’t know what to do all I know is that I don’t want to give up then I want to fight but I can’t fight it alone
things right there how have completely changed him but he won’t admit it
My boyfriend has been diagnosed with ADHD since he was a kid. I met him one and a half years ago. I definitely did not expect to have a relationship with him since I am leaving the country the next year. He was obsessed with me, wanted to see me everyday, almost felt like I was the only thing he sees. Fast forward to now, we’ve been in a long distance relationship since 8 months ago but have met each other 3 times in between. He just left two weeks ago to his country and we said goodbye with hope. We promised to each other that “We’ll figure things out. We’ll make it work”. Yesterday he told me that he’s not sure anymore if continuing this long distance relationship is a good thing. We are faced with this tough choice that we might have to get married to be together (in less than a year). We agreed that we can’t stretch this long distance relationship for too long and at the same time. He said he is extremely overwhelmed especially because he doesn’t even have a new job yet. He resigned a couple of months ago due to extreme stress. Finding jobs has been very difficult and I can see that it spins him around. He told me that he wanted to come to term with being ready for that commitment because he doesn’t want to lose me. However, at the same time, he is fully aware that he still have issues that he needs to deal with. I love him very much with all my heart. Having to hear him say all this is just heartbreaking for him as I am so far away from him and I know he is trying his best to cope. He told me that he might not be able to hold a relationship at all: might never be able to get married or have any children (after we talked about getting married and having children just a few weeks ago). This uncertainty is giving me terrible anxiety (I was diagnosed with severe anxiety in 2016). I also wonder if this is worth it… We have been through so much and he is such a loving person… But I want a family. If there is anything that I know for sure in my life is that I want a family. I’m just in such a dilemma. Relationship only works if both partners are putting the same commitment and effort in it. I don’t even know where we are at right now.
I’ve been married for 26 yrs to man w/ adhd & it has taken its tool on me in many ways. He has refused treatment r even that he has it until last yr. It’s a sacrifice to say the least to stay married to someone who lives in denial & won’t listen but argues constantly.
I as the person without ADHD do so much more work to understand and cope with it. It is really unfair. I’m so tired. My spouse is so disorganized, and procrastinates, and is so distracted. I send him material on strategies to control his symptoms better and he ignores it. I am getting to the point where I feel that we should separate for my own sanity. Of course he believes this is all my fault. He won’t finish things or keep promises then ignores me when I get upset about it but that is a reasonable thing to be upset about. I have an autoimmune problem made worse by stress and have barely been able to get out of bed for anything but work the last two days due to the stress of my marriage. Anyone got any advice?
Heather, your life is literally word for word my life. I’m currently out of work for illness including stress brought on by this debilitating illness. I’m so resentful and if I’m told to read one more article about how I need to be more supportive, I’m going to loose my mind. So much damage has been done. I have lost myself and my life for my partner. I truly believe the best thing is to go our separate ways. I’m sorry this isn’t helping you but maybe validating your feelings.
Hi Kate…we seem to have a lot in common! I also am married to a man who has ADHD as well as bipolar disorder….and the mix is not pretty. I am currently off on medical leave due to a mild stroke where I could use a little extra help and understanding…..but dealing with his outbursts and antics have really taken a role on me and our 4 boys. When I reach out to seek advise….all I get is how I need to be understanding to him….and I really have tried, but I have 4 other little humans between the ages 2 and 19 to think about. My husband and I have had a long relationship that has been off/on due to the constant stress within our household. No idea is a good idea unless he came up with it, he struggles keeping jobs, sometimes he becomes violent and condescending and says that he constantly feels disrespected…..yet he is completely unaware of the negative tone he uses rather than being pleasant. The sad part is…..I’m afraid if we leave that we will not be able to make it financially or that he will no longer make an attempt to assist in caring for our youngest son…..as I am not well enough to do it all on my own.
Thank you all for sharing your stories….because at least I know I’m not the only one dealing with these issues.
I feel like I can relate to this so much.
My boyfriend is 21 and has adhd, he was diagnosed when he was around 3. Every day is so tough, he doesn’t keep promises etc, and he lies about little things. He’ll put washing in and then get distracted easily and never finishes that. Sometimes I feel like he says things to hurt me, but I can’t seem to get him to understand that I have quite severe anxiety, and it causes me to just stay in bed all the time.
It really is hard to deal with, I’ve done a lot of research but I’m unsure of what else I can do. Especially since I can’t talk to him because he gets frustrated easily.
As a spouse of an adhd man for 28 years, I can say that when there are issues , they may improve for short periods of time after nagging/complaining etc. but unless there is a strong commitment on their part to change IT WONT. After being ready to get divorced (about 7 yes into marriage)I gave my spouse the option to take some adhd meds or we were done. Meds “help” but don’t rectify all of the frustrating behaviors . As a woman whose kids are almost all grown and out of the house I’m considering calling it quits again. Things really don’t improve . It’s the same issues over and over. No matter how many times you ask/remind/help etc things dont really change . If you are new to the relationship and you are already feeling frustrated, get out.
I have been with my husband for 24 years. We have nine children ranging from 1 year old twins to 19 year old. I have had moments of leaving often over the past ten years. My husband has had lots of unemployment (probably more than half our marriage). He seems consumed with ADD (which he was only diagnosed with in the first few years of our marriage). It feels like it’s something that controls our marriage. Every character flaw or challenge is put down to ADD – “that’s part of the condition, that’s me”. I understand the symptoms of ADD but does that mean I always have to live with them? Do I always need to be the responsible one? The organised one? He can’t take medication. I now need to get a job despite homeschooling three of our children and still breastfeeding twins, because we cannot afford to live. My children get so annoyed with him because he shouts a lot, is self centred, doesn’t seem to care about anything anyone else cares about, speaks harshly , makes excuses, blames – and this is all put down to ADD. He says I undermine him with the children, rather than seeing his own behaviour pushing them away. I just want some peace and consideration rather than having our whole family life consumed by ADD. I’m really sick of it and feel like I don’t even like him, let alone love him.
I do have some advice, after 25 yrs of marriage to somebody totally unreliable.
(1.) ACCEPT that he will always be unreliable, just as you would accept that Seattle will always have cloudy weather. It’s annoying but hey, it’s not like you married him for his secretarial skills.
(2.) ACCEPT that you’re going to carry 100 percent of the responsibility for every important inflexible obligation of your household, regardless whether you’re married to him or divorced from him.
(3.) MAKE A BOUNDARY where you have independence and autonomy from him, for any part of life where unpredictability is not OK. For example, keep him far away from mailing your tax return to the IRS.
(4.) GET SUPPORT. You might need to spend household money on babysitters and maid service, and that might be non-negotiable for your sanity. If he disagrees, then fight with him about how to spend money, but don’t fight with him about whether he’s a bad person.
(5.) ENJOY the parts of life that can be spontaneous and unpredictable. He’ll give you a fun date and an entertaining conversation after 25 years of marriage, and there aren’t many men you can say that about.
Hi Libria,
That is great advice, especially coming from a person with 25 years of marriage experience! I am doing a bit of research on the topic because my fiance has ADD and I am trying to get a better idea of what I am getting myself into. At the moment, I am working on a capstone project for my University called A Study of Coping Mechanisms for Individuals Living with Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. I am doing a couple of interviews with mental health professionals but I would love to get the perspective of someone who has so much life experience. Would you mind if I interviewed you?
Thank you for your time!
Alicea
Hi Libria,
I think you have some great points here, thanks for sharing! It’s great to hear these things coming from someone with so much life experience. My fiance has ADD so I’m doing a bit of research and trying to learn what I’m getting myself into. At the moment I’m also working on writing a Capstone project for my University about coping mechanisms for people living with adults with ADD. I’m doing a couple of interviews with mental health professionals but I would love to also get an interview with someone who has real life firsthand experience living with an adult with ADD! Would you mind if I asked you a few questions? Maybe we could do a quick over the phone interview?
Alicea
Libria,
As a male diagnosed with ADD, my experience seems opposite to yours. I am treated, but even before treatment had no issue in being reliable, holding jobs, supporting family, pursuing creative interests, parenting children, etc… If your analogy would have stated that he would always have ADD like it usually rains in Seattle I get it.
Carry 100% of the weight? If that is the case then maybe my wife has a more severe case of ADHD, yet undiagnosed ,than I ever did as that is how I feel most of the time.
Maybe one of the two bigger things not to do would be to use language like ‘MAKE A BOUNDARY’ which can come across as distancing, or unloving, but rather say something like it might be a good idea and helpful to both of you to review the return together for the inaccuracy that could creep into it from a casual mistake for the better of the both of you. It is important to know that the two of you have different strengths. I find that people with strong logistic skill that can fire off a list of sequences without mistake often have difficulty creating a better solution to a problem.
BOUNDRY: I mostly see your point, but I don’t think anyone wants to fight over being a bad person.
ENJOY: Perhaps the best thing said. Creativity and spontaneity are important elements of life. Even some without and ounce of ADD are good at this too.
I’ve been with someone for nearly 3 yrs who has ADHD, it’s getting worse, I’m finding it hard to cope with, he gets nasty with me for no reason, I do everything for him, treat him with respect! He’s used physical abuse few weeks ago, I love him, he’s making me into an unhappy person and I need to get out. As I have a heart I worry about him after I tell him I can’t do this any more. I feel so lost. Help ?
In am in that exact same dilema and currently resting up due to severe stress and anxiety brought on by my adhd partner of 4 years. I would be keen to share coping strategies etc
Heather, I cried as I read your post. It’s me who has ADD and my husband of almost 33 years has said and felt just as you have stated. It sucks having ADD. I try but seem to fail back to the same behavior that is driving my husband crazy. I’m finding very little on the wife with ADD but it’s just as heartbreaking.
Lisa, I am the ADD wife in a 20 year marriage. “You don’t listen” is what his complaint is. I am trying. He is totally against me trying any medication for it. But it makes me sad to see how frustrated he is with me. You aren’t alone.
My boyfriend has been diagnosed with ADHD since he was a kid. I met him one and a half years ago. I definitely did not expect to have a relationship with him since I am leaving the country the next year. He was obsessed with me, wanted to see me everyday, almost felt like I was the only thing he sees. Fast forward to now, we’ve been in a long distance relationship since 8 months ago but have met each other 3 times in between. He just left two weeks ago to his country and we said goodbye with hope. We promised to each other that “We’ll figure things out. We’ll make it work”. Yesterday he told me that he’s not sure anymore if continuing this long distance relationship is a good thing. We are faced with this tough choice that we might have to get married to be together (in less than a year). We agreed that we can’t stretch this long distance relationship for too long and at the same time. He said he is extremely overwhelmed especially because he doesn’t even have a new job yet. He resigned a couple of months ago due to extreme stress. Finding jobs has been very difficult and I can see that it spins him around. He told me that he wanted to come to term with being ready for that commitment because he doesn’t want to lose me. However, at the same time, he is fully aware that he still have issues that he needs to deal with. I love him very much with all my heart. Having to hear him say all this is just heartbreaking for him as I am so far away from him and I know he is trying his best to cope. He told me that he might not be able to hold a relationship at all: might never be able to get married or have any children (after we talked about getting married and having children just a few weeks ago). This uncertainty is giving me terrible anxiety (I was diagnosed with severe anxiety in 2016). I also wonder if this is worth it… We have been through so much and he is such a loving person… But I want a family. If there is anything that I know for sure in my life is that I want a family. I’m just in such a dilemma. Relationship only works if both partners are putting the same commitment and effort in it. I don’t even know where we are at right now.
dear torn ,
if u love him just go ahead and continue your relationship …
there are so many options out there if u want kids.
Do not marry him. It will only get worse. I’m married to a man with ADHD and I’m miserable. I’m only still here because we have two wonderful children (one has ADHD: It is highly genetic). My husband is so mean to me and won’t seek treatment for his ADHD. He says he has outgrown it. Well, you never outgrow it!It’s a roller coaster. Escape while you can.
Hi everyone! I just found this wonderful community of people who are trying to deal with ADD. My fiance has ADD so I’m doing a bit of research and trying to learn and understand what to expect and how to prepare for a life with him.
At the same time, I’m working on writing a Capstone project for my University about coping mechanisms for people living with adults with ADD. I’m doing a couple of interviews with mental health professionals but I would love to also get an interview with some people who have real-life firsthand experience! If you are an adult with ADD or live with an Adult who has ADD, let me know! I would love to interview you!
Thank you!
Alicea
I am an adult woman with ADD.
I only got correctly diagnosed when I was 40. I’m 44.
I was misdiagnosed for 20 years.
I researched endlessly until I realized that it seemed like ADD and went to my doctors, explained, and they agreed. I would not mind being interviewed.
Hi Alicea,
I happen to be both a mental health professional AND an adult living with ADHD, also married to someone with the diagnosis. We were both diagnosed as adults. I’d be happy to speak with you about my experiences if you are interested.
Hi Cesca. I have recently been dating a man and we both have fallen desperately in love. We both have add and I feel like the RSD aspect is going to ruin us. We both way overreact to little things and end up both feeling awful. I recognize my own rsd in him but he also has road from severe emotional, sexual and physical abuse in his childhood. Is it possible to have a happy long-term relationship without having a fight every other night because of my practically non-concept of time and his quick and severe jumping to the conclusion I’m lying or cheating because of it?
Eileen
eileenrouvalis@gmail.com
I would love to have social contact with you IF possible. My boyfriend of 5 years and friend of 20 years just asked me to marry him. I am crazy in love with him and scared to get married because of his ADHD symptoms. He is so loving and thoughtful but has serious anger issues bit never towards me and I don’t know if I can handle this stress forever. He just started Effexor and it’s not helping. I’m so confused on what to Do? He is really open to working on himself and his issues and has incredible self control accept with anger and stress. I need an ear and one with experience to talk to if you feel you can?
Hi there,
I am ADHD and was diagnosed in 4th grade. I was married for 7 years and am convinced that it was my symptoms that ended the marriage. He might have been a little ADD as well. Anyway, I would love to be interviewed…. any way I can help people understand the feelings and emotions of someone like me. I give anyone who marrys an ADHD person credit….I’m not sure it’s something I would want to/be able to take on.
I would be happy to answer some questions … And would love to see the results. Both I and my Husband have ADHD-from research on different aspects of our relationship I recently realized that this is likely the cause. I got diagnosed about 8 months ago and he is just now realizing ADHD is likely his problem as well. He is working on becoming treated for his but his doctor is not as ready to consider ADHD to be the source of his symptoms. She is not as readily open, and has prescribed a different antidepressant and then a subsequent appointment was a stronger dose of antidepressant . So frustrating. Our relationship is typical where I am carrying most of the workload, he is not understanding my stress and feelings and health is being affected by it. We recently separated do to burn out on my part. We have two children and se is now in crisis mode and ready to listen an advocate for himself and our relationship.
but his symptoms are really destructive to our relationship
Hi guys im really in dire need of some advice. My husband is the one that struggles with ADHD. Were both 27 and our birthdays are both in June ( mines the 8th his is the 20th) Were both Geminis also ( not really sure if that has anything to do with our relationship or not.) We’ve been together for 3 years married for 2 . We also have a 7 month old baby boy . After reading these comments i’ve come to realize i’ve been doing this all wrong. We constantly fight over dumb petty crap , and sometimes we cant get along. I believe i may be a little like him. We always forget things , my kitchen is a mess , i work now so most days i don’t feel like cleaning & he throws that in my face ( alot ). I agree i may not speak to him with a calm voice sometimes but sometimes i just talk loud and he thinks im mad and we start to fight again. We can never just talk it out. He always calls me a psycho cause i get mad and end up forgetting the entire reason we were arguing. Lol What can i personally do to let him know im not always mad and want to argue. ? How do i show him i really do love him.? How can i stop the bickering and the fights.? My husband is going to leave me and i would really like to rekindle with my love.
Most likely he’s just threatening to leave you. Men with ADHD make threats, get mad, make themselves and everyone miserable, fight over stupid things, and turn arguments around to make it seem that the other (non-ADHD partner) is the one in the wrong. But they don’t leave, in general. My advice? If he won’t get on ADHD medications, then leave him NOW, while your child is young. You and your baby will be fine. Get some counseling and move on with your life while you’re still young. Monitor your baby for signs of ADHD when he enters schools, as it is highly genetic, and make sure he gets the help he needs. You can do this, and you can recover. Don’t put up with this ADHD madness anymore!
I moved in with my boyfriend about a year ago. It has been interesting to say the least lol. He was diagnosed with ADD as a kid and is functional without meds as an adult. I grew up with 3 brothers with ADD/ADHD. I have anxiety that mimics ADD when I’m stressed out. I’m sure with all my years of experience I can answer some questions for you.
as a person wtih ADD and wife has anxiety .. i trigger he all the time how do i stop that or control my self
Hi Alicea. I have known my husband for 25 years. We were married in 2004 and divorced 9 years later and are currently reconciled although I can now see the role ADD has played in the downfall and current struggle in our relationship. I’d also be happy to answer any questions for you as the non-ADD spouse struggling to stay in this relationship.
Hi Noel, I married the same person twice as well, but he had a drug problem once he was young hence his ADHD has progressed exponentially. this is a different person from the first one I married. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. taking care of him has caused me to lose absolutely everything. he refuses to get help. He refuses to change. I believe he secretly takes drugs behind my back so how can I help someone who wants to live his life this way. I know what triggers his bipolar episodes and he continues to do things that are not good for his well being and his mental stability. how do I help someone like this.
what do I do?
This is not what you want to hear, but with drugs and even mental health (with the exception of extreme cases involving self harm/ suicide.) There is nothing you can do but be supportive, don’t enable him, and be a non-judgemental good listener that is a good influence on him. Any sort of drug or mental health treatment will only work if HE chooses it. He has to want it, he has to acknowledge there even is an issue. In the 12 step recovery program they say there are 2 parts to working the 12 steps, and that’s Step 1 being part 1 and steps 2-12 being part 2. That’s how huge it is for them to admit and accept that they have a problem and are powerless against it on their own. It’s a vicious cycle, and when you throw bi polar in with it, that makes it that much harder, especially if he’s in a manic or depressive phase. Manic can br just as scary as an episode of severe depression, just on the opposite end of thesome become hyper sexual in manic episodes, thwy feel such a compulsion to have sex or even shop. Some even completely self destruct while doing it, paying sex workers and spending their nest egg without their spouse knowing. Literally ruining their life over the compulsion to have
a lot of sex during their manic episode. It can even be a warning a manic episode is coming. Sometimes people will also develop a dramatic, unrealistic sense of self, viewing themselves in a far superior light than what is actually reality.
Good luck to you, I just thought I’d say what I know personally from experience and my studying to be an Addiction Recovery Coach. I hope something is useful to you! Just be sure to set healthy boundaries and remember no one can ever cross your personal boundaries without you unless you let them! (It’s taken me years to learn that last one!)
Hello, I am a non ADHD female about 6 months into a relationship with an ADHD male! When we first met I didn’t know he had ADHD but I picked up fairly quickly that he had to stay busy to stay content! Eventually I asked him about it and he told me he has ADHD! I was quick to dismiss the importance of learning about it because I was with an ADD male for 3 years as my first relationship and also the father of my son! Being with him was like being with any other person, I only had minor set backs with him so I assumed ADHD was no different! As time moved on we knew very quickly that we found our perfect match in each other and didn’t waste any time in discussing our long term plans and became pregnant with our first baby, about 2 months in things changed in him! If I didn’t know any different I would have and did for a while start to feel like I dropped completely off of his radar, he stopped coming to see me almost entirely, I was putting in all the effort I could to see him for what little time he made for me once a week if that! I had no job and being pregnant couldn’t find a job, while he had 2 jobs as an EMT/Firefighter and Mechanic/Repo! So I didn’t make a huge deal about it, I chalked it up to him being busy! Eventually I became used to things as they were! How I felt inside kept me from nagging, or bitching at him, I just kept everything to myself to avoid pushing him any further away! Up until early this month when I was forced to move to my moms putting more than 200+ miles between us, ultimately adding to our problems! When I learned of his confusion to my attemps of talking to him about all of this I grew increasingly conserned to finally learn how much different communicating with his ADHD really is, and I’ll tell you I am releaved to find that it is his ADHD combined with my lack of knowledge on it that is more than half at least responsible for why we are in such a mess, but I couldn’t believe how differently our brains function from each other because of it considering he functions every bit as normally from day to day as I do, if not it feels like he’s more advanced just in all that he can do! It’d surprise anyone who watched us individually to find that he’s the one with such a challenging deffect! The difference between us is I can read and make sense of long complex explanations, and stories such as what I’m typing here, he can’t! He gets frustrated easily, and it’s mostly if I go to much into detail or too long in what I try to say! So I struggle on knowing how to simplify my message and speak more in direct! I guess what I’m seeking is help from a more experienced person who might know methods I can use to best reach him with out tripping his hair trigger! I have felt like I am walking on eggshells around him to avoid pissing him off! He acts on impulse! Has temper from hell and a short fuse! I’m not interested in giving up on him in the slightest! He’s worth everything to me at this point! So I’m willing to do what ever he needs to connect with him again!
I have ADHD and can answer the talking-to-him thing and simplifying the messages – u can talk to him for a long time and he will listen and be able to interact if the communication style is objective and direct. I can give two examples of you talking about having a bad day at work:
1 (ineffective): Gosh, work was horrible… how is it that Gloria in the next office earns more than me even though I do better work than her? I can’t stand her! Why hasn’t management seen this yet? Are you listening to me? Also, that new boss bothers me a lot – he keeps talking about his new condo and it sounds like bragging and I can’t stand to listen to it. Do you like condos?
2 (more effective): I had a 3/10 day. I have realised that the work:pay ratio in my workplace is skewed. So I’m going to look for a new job – perhaps you have some suggestions? My boss was talking about his new condo – do you see yourself living in a condo?
The sound we make when finishing a question will keep the ADHD brain focused on the speaking too, so throw more questions in – can be anything, stranger the better, but to keep the focus even more make them specific rather than vague, e.g. when discussing paint options for a wall, ask ‘does this colour positively affect your mood? rather than ‘do you like this colour?’
Good luck.
XO
as a person wtih ADD and wife has anxiety .. i trigger he all the time how do i stop that or control my self
Bro I’ve got the same problem I just couldn’t slow down enough for her to be settled it sucked ay getting a divorce and it seems silly to think that slowing down could have prevented it but even after the separation I still cannot slow down and I don’t think it’s a good Idea for adhd and anxiety people to have a relationship all that will happen is she will hate u and make things impossible when u do finally split all the anxiety attacks stay with her and once she has been pushed to breaking point after believing the lies and attempts to keep her around will come to end either focus on slowing down or be prepared for it to end took my wife 11 years to leave but I spent 3 years telling her I’d change and empty promises are the reason she left bro
I am currently living with a person who has adhd. He had a long time history of drug abuse and has only been sober for 3 years. When I met him, I already know that he’s different. Being hyperactive but at the same time spontaneous. His good qualities outweighed the negative ones. Three months after exclusively dating, I got pregnant and now we have a 7 month old daughter. I can say that our relationship is okay, but there are times when I thought I couldn’t handle him anymore. We had a lot of fights over the same things related to his condition. He’s screaming over little things and use a lot of swear words, spends a lot of money for impulsive buying, getting bored easily, making a lot of mess in the house, walking out most of the time when we’re arguing, having a constant need of attention especially when we’re with friends and not committing to his plans. I feel like i’m becoming more of a parent than a partner to him. He’s 33 , i’m 27 and it sucks to always be the matured one in a relationship and I felt like I also need to be taken care of once in a while.
Sex has also become an issue since a lot of things are going on and we spend less time alone with each other and in addition to that, I don’t really feel romantically pleased by him anymore. One of the reasons is that i got so occupied by his behavior that I couldn’t feel the heat anymore and becoming a mom recently is also adding to it.
Though undiagnosed, He admits that he most likely have adhd but don’t want to be madicated because according to him, the medication used to treat adhd has ampethamine in it which he was addicted to before and doesn’t want to be hooked again.
He’s trying to stay active by exercising and doing a lot of sporty activities and it does help him a little but of course, he still have some lazy days where he just sit on the couch all day playing playstation and that’s when all the symptoms come out.
He occasionally smoke hash and I noticed a huge difference in his behavior. He’s becoming a completely different person. He’s calmer, appreciative, attentive and focused, everything seems to be so perfect. But i’m not very supportive about it ‘cause I still consider it as a form of illegal drug.
I have a very religious background and having a kid with him out of wedlock caused a lot of judgment from my family and friends from where I originally came from so we’re talking about getting married soon. But our situation is just something that makes me think about not getting married at him at all. Otherwise, he’s very loving and family oriented and I can see how much love he has for our daughter, no doubt that he’s a good father despite of his condition. I could also feel the sincerity when he says he’s willing to change anything for our relationship to work atleast for the sake of our daughter having a her family whole but he just couldn’t change everything at once. I was the first woman he’s been with after he got sober so everything was new to him. I can see some changes like him drinking less, not spending too much than he usually does, becoming less hyperactive, cleaning up a little but he’s still losing track once in a while and I understand that.
I know i’m not a perfect partner either, i get easily annoyed, i have a little patience, perfectionist and I tend to be so hard on him sometimes that I forget to appreciate his efforts. But I don’t know if we could bring out the best of each other rather than the worst. Should I still marry him then?
Hi Alicea!
Are you still working on your project?
Jodi
I live with a man who SAYS he has ADHD and maybe he does but I also believe he is Bipolar. I would be interested in doing an interview via email.
Hi Alicia, if you are still doing ADHD research I am willing to be interviewed. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 48. I’m 49 now and married for 20 years. Currently separated for the third time . The struggles in my marriage, struggles with jobs, depression, relationship with my kids, losing my position at church and the community, etc
At one point redemption was their only to completely fall by having an affair. Therapist I see said, a book can be published about my life story and sell a lot of copies. Not so sure about that, but I’m not an expert If your already finished with the project, I hope you found looking for.
Alicea
I’m sure you are through with your project but in case you are not I have 36 years of experience with ADHD. Growing up in a family with members who have it and then my spouse and now my children.
Hi Anne. I am in a relationship with a man who has ADHD. My little brother also had it (he passed away due to drug addiction). My boyfriend has melt downs 2-3 times a month. Absolutely out of control just like my brother and it scares me and I’m exhausted from it. He is down right abusive at times and it always ends with him in tears and a complete wreck apologizing for for it all, but I’m reaching the end of my patience with the relationship. He talks about having kids with me but the thought of having children with ADHD as well as with a man who has it is TERRIFYING. Watching my brother grow up with it was difficult and he was also abusive. Do you have any advice about the children with adhd part? How are you handling it?
Hi Alicea,
I have been seeing a great guy since July 18. I knew very early on that something wasn’t quite right or should I say, different! He is kind and thoughtful and yet selfish and distant the next minute. He is nearly 33 and has never been diagnosed with the condition, as yet, and he has recently started to acknowledge that he may suffer from it but is reluctant to seek help because he is an adult and thinks he won’t be taken seriously! I care about him very much but I am often left feeling hurt, abandoned emotionally and just a bit insignificant at times when I am giving 100%. When I ask him about things or let him know how he can make me feel, he gets defensive and often turns the situation back to me and how I must be feeling. I am the sort of person who wants love in my life, to feel appreciated and to be considered and respected! At times I can feel like that and then like a flick of a switch it changes to a place where I feel really bad about myself, like I am not important, I don’t factor like his friends do. He has behavioural patterns that led me to think he may have ADHD by the way he goes off into his own world and speaks in funny voices, especially to my dog, where he continually seeks love and approval from and feels deflated when he doesn’t respond the way he so wants him to. My dog, happens to be very intelligent and knows he has a difference in the way he communicates but still resists his affections at times because he is too over powering and when he talks in his chosen voice(childlike) he looks at me for help! This man has so many great qualities and I genuinely care about him because I can see beyond my own needs but my own needs have to be met somewhere along the line, otherwise I can’t see a future in us. I am prepared to be there for him but only , if he for one wants that, or is honest with himself and admits that he is not ready for a relationship or indeed he does want to try. It’s a mind boggling process and can be very rewarding then suddenly not and it’s such an emotional rollercoaster at times…. your often left feeling completely confused about everything. We have a strong connection sexually and we do have a laugh but I often question whether I am right for him and should I I’ve onand accept that we re just too different. We clash so much but we manage to admit and accept that we do! It’s just a horrible situation that could be dreamy! Any advice??
Hi everyone, reading this website & these comments is spot on for me & my situation, and I’m hoping to get some advice. I dated a guy for 3 years. He has ADD/ADHD but never took medicine for it. He said his parents didn’t want him to take meds when he was younger, due to side effects., and he never took meds as an adult either. Our relationship was great in the beginning but slowly declined & we broke up in December. We have continued texting since then & saw each other twice & were on the same page about things – that we were both working on ourselves, but wanted to stay in contact. I know that there are things I could have done better in our relationship, and I am willing to work on those because I still want to be with him. I know deep down that he is a great person, I just got easily frustrated and lost patience and so did he. However last week he told me he was no longer attracted to me and needs something “fresh and new.” The thing is that I know both of our personalities are up and down and I’m wondering if he was just in a certain mood at the time. I’m wondering if it makes more sense to give him space for a few months and contact him then, or to continue texting and talking. Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated!
ADD aside, and years of heartbreak chasing after a man, DO NOT chase after him or contact him. You’re worth more than that no matter how hard it is for you to let it go. The minute you say, “Whatever!” you will feel freedom like no other, because the right guy will not require so much work! Then, eventually, you will be open to the man who will chase and want YOU! I promise!
That’s not entirely true. I am a male with ADHD untreated and I’m coming to realiz how straining I was on the relationship and how a bit more u dress ding on both sides would help. We took some time to work on ourselves. I feel so,Eli,Es that she is pushing me away due to misunderstandings or other things. The thought has come across that’s maybe I shouldn’t poi for something else but the fact that we care enough to point out these flaws means so much. I thought of saying the same thing impulsively but did not mean it. Give him a month and try again putting criticism and your own self esteem lightly aside when you speak in person. Ask hi, how he has worked on these areas that were a struggle in the past. ADHD adults are difficult to deal with I am learning from experience putting myself in the non-adhd partners shoes. I hope he didn’t really mean that’s and it was just another impulsive thought not to be taken into high consideration. But it might be how he really feel so don’t I know. All I know is I want to be an asset and not a reliability in a relationship. I want a real long term relationship one day and there are many things I need to work on to be more accepted by my partner but it will be better to tackles once she knows what my struggle areas are.
Fantastic advice, Kelly Thomas! If any ladies are here for advice about a man you want more than he wants you, this is your answer, regardless of the individual details. No joke, it absolutely applies to all cases of unrequited love!
Plus, men prefer to be the pursuer, not to be pursued, it’s putting him in the feminine energy and you in the masculine. That is something 99.8% of men will NOT be interested in, and it will be next to impossible to cultivate his interest from that position.
I have read several posts on the ADHD Marriage forums. Spouses who have ADHD partners that are either untreated or UNDER treated. Most are miserable, or struggling. What is the point of being married if you have to say “whatever”, walk away and live separate lives, as many of the couples on the ADHD Marriage forums have chosen to do? Why live for 20, 30, 40 years with someone who is verbally abusive, has angry outbursts, blames all of their problems on you, and refuses to seek treatment?
I won’t live that way.
I am married do a man who struggled with ADHD his whole life and made his family miserable. I didn’t know all of this until I moved from Europe to the USA to be with him. Now we are married for over 3 years. Overall our relationship is good, we have a very strong connection wich he ruins from time to time with his angry outburst after which he usually shuts down. He has been diagnosed as a kid but doesn’t want to talk about seeing a counselor or even talking about other things we could do. He is against medicine and refuses to even talk about it. He says he know his demons and that he already improved a lot. And also when I try to talk to him about his bizarre outburst (like slamming the car brakes in the middle of the street and jamming me in the seat, throwing sth, telling me to shut up, walking away when I say sth he doesn’t like) he points out my own emotional beahior and thigs I do wrong. I just recenty have been able to make sense of all this and “found” the right diagnosis (I am in school to be a counselor) but he doesn’t want to hear abou it. We have a good relationship overall with 2-3 ourburst a month plus a lot of behaviors from him such as: forgetting about things I tell him, not paying attention when I talk, being on his phone, procrastinating, getting frustrated with the dog, lacking patience with pretty much anything. I don’t know how to make our marriage better and help him if doesn’t see a big picture problem. He also doesn’t apologize, only if I say he should. If he does apologize then he will follow it with “BUT you shouldn’t have told me to calm down,” or “I was hungry and this chicken was horrible” or anyhting else just to find a blame in me. It hurts me badly escpeically that I moved here, away from my family to be with him. His family is very supportive of me and his mom sees the same issues. I don’t want to get to a point where I have to give him an ultimatum because I am afraid I will have to leave. He is VERY strubborn and hates being told what to do or given advices or any guidance. He is 33, I am 28. I would really like to have children in the next couple of years but I am afraid he won’t be able to handle it and that he will make me upset and stressed out during my pregnancy which could be very bad for the baby.
I now I am no perfect, I admit it and work on myself. I changed a lot, started reading a lot of self help books, medication, excercising, walking every morning, eating healthy, doing research. I don’t know how much more I can take and I don’t know if I can live my life with a person who has a major FIT if his hashbrowns are overcooked. It seems to me that him :working on his demons” is really supressing everything.
Once in a while (every 2-3 months) he will do mushrooms, sometimes in a microdose and then he seems like a different guy. Patient, attentive, involved. Seems like the SSRI’s help. But he won’t take meds. He doesn’t realize the scale of the problem and me contemplating the future of the marriage.
Any suggestions?
Oh my goodness, Maria! We are married to twins! I have no advise for you because, after 3 years of marriage, I am sitting in the same spot as you. I feel for you and you are not alone.
Not going to lie, reading all of these comments are really frustrating for me at the moment. My boyfriend just got diagnosed with ADHD a few days ago after clearly struggling with it for 10 years of his life. My boyfriend and I are both 17 years old. I understand most of you are adults and married and you think you have your spouse completely figured out, but I have yet to see a comment where you guys are understanding of what you partner is going through. I am 17 years old and more informed than most of you “experienced” adults. When I first got with my boyfriend he wasn’t diagnosed yet but he warned me. he warned me that he was complicated. he gave me an “out” and told me that i could leave before it gets tough. He told me it was okay because he was used to people giving up and not being able to understand the way his brain works. Did I run like how all of you guys are encouraging people to do? No i stayed. I 17 years old i was willing to prepare myself for all the obstacles because i could see the potential in this single most amazing person i had ever met. People don’t understand that ADHD people are so much more than a complicated person. Believe me I know what it feels like to think that you are the problem. When me and my boyfriend go through one of his outbursts, here’s how my brain processes it, which you guys can probably relate to. “I’m the problem. Why doesn’t he care about what I’m saying? He keeps interrupting me he must not care about what I have to say. I cause the extra stress in his life. I’m the reason he’s so down. Why does he want to be alone? Doesn’t he want my company when he feels angry or sad? Shouldn’t he understand that I’m struggling too?” NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. ITS NOT TRUE. IF THEY SAY THEY ARE TRYING. THEY ARE. TRULY. I understand these thoughts can cause jealousy especially if you see someone else making your partner smile. it can cause you to argue with them but people but when my boyfriend was diagnosed we began to do our research TOGETHER. watching ted talks. trying to work together instead of stress about how the relationship isn’t so easy like everyone in your lives around you. The problem all of you guys have is you’re trying to FIX something that isn’t even broken. Some advice? don’t try to fix your partners brain, try to work with it. try to understand how their thought process works and it could do wonders to your relationship. Watch the video on youtube “A day in a life with ADHD” it brought me to tears. Overall, I just want to help at least one of you guys realize that you don’t have to run. Yes, adhd partners are not meant for everyone. But from personal experience I know I love this person and that they are the only person i want. It helps me to not think that i’m the problem or even them. My boyfriend always reminds me of how much he loves me and how he doesn’t mean the things he says sometimes. And i finally believe him. It may be true that you and your spouse are just not meant to be and it’s just too hard for some people. but it’s not impossible. they are humans too and they don’t like how their brain processes things either. It just takes time and expectance. I really hope this helped someone.
You make it sound so easy.
Most of the “Nons”
Who post on websites like these that are either married to or in long term relationships where their partner has ADHD and there are problems in the relationships is because the partner is either untreated or under treated and in complete denial that their ADHD symptoms are affecting their relationship. There are people who post on Melissa Orlov’s website and the stories are all too familiar. The spouses were swept off their feet in the beginning because their partner was hyper focused on them and they had never experienced anything as wonderful as that . In the beginning they did not know that the partner had ADHD and neither did they because they had never been diagnosed. Once they married it all fell apart because the shiny new thing that they were in the eyes of their spouse was no longer the case. Without constant stimulation or excitement in their lives things became boring and their partners true nature surfaced. Some women who post about their husbands and the change that happened stated that the change did not happen until after they had children. Even the women who knew their husbands had ADHD said there was a huge change after they had children.
I’m happy that things are working out with you and your boyfriend but you cannot compare your relationship to a 20 or 30 year marriage where 1 person is not willing to seek treatment and The Non partner/spouse Is completely worn out from working full time, raising their children, doing every household chore while their untreated ADHD spouse works part time if at all and sits around the house either watching TV, playing video games or watching porn.
Hi Savannah,
Unfortunately, the comments from the people above who detail 5, 10, 15, 20 + years of unhappy marriages/partnerships/relationships with someone who has ADHD are indeed the ones who can speak from lived experience and not a naive ignorance. I was in your position two years ago and I’m still with my partner, but it hasn’t gotten easier. It’s gotten harder. The lack of respectful and open communication, the filthiness, the inability to contribute to the relationship emotionally, the tantrums and domineering, the excuses and blame when confronted with disagreements, the debt, the drugs and alcohol…. I wish I had the same level of hope that I once did, but all I can say now is that this disorder is horrendous and makes a relationship immensely draining.
I’m 19 and he is 18, just starting out being together a year not married but you’re speaking my future it seems like. Trying so hard to stay with him cause there’s moments I know he has it in him that make me stay. But it’s hard, I just researched my boyfriend has the most aggressive ADHD and most days I look to get out of the relationship because if I want to get out today, extreme action would have to be taken to get me somewhere with out him. Loosing hope here.
Maria
It’s hard enough to be in a relationship with ADHD intertwined in the marriage and it also sounds like some verbal abuse is going on which hardly gets better. Children added to the mix will make it even more challenging and painful emotionally. you Also have a high chance of having children with ADHD which will intensify the experience for both of you and a lot of the burden will fall on your shoulders. When they are babies no big deal but once they begin school it’s a nightmare every year trying to help them with their work, and teachers, and meetings to advocate for them ,and then fighting to protect their self esteem. It’s very very exhausting. Then you begin to lose focus on the marriage and there is no family or structural support . I have no family support either so I feel for you. I can’t tell you what to do in your relationship but heavily consider, and don’t let guilt be a part of the deciding factor. Guilt is an emotion that is meant for us when we do something wrong. Our societies use guilt to control us in the social norm which prevents us from making good healthy choices. Weigh your options and when guilt or pity rises in your deciding factor push it out. You still have life left to live.
Please try to get out of your marriage for your own personal health. Do not add an innocent child. Please avoid more heartbreak. I wish I could have.
Run away!!! Go back home!!!!! Do NOT have kids with this guy!!!! Your relationship will NEVER get better than it is now without kids, add kids and add stress, money issues, stress, did I say stress????????
Improve yourself, further your education, follow your interests, you are FREE. Have kids and marry this guy and you are IN JAIL!!! Trust me, I’m there. He was fun, full of energy, the life of the party. Now he’s an asshole, a dead on the couch potato by 9pm, suddenly after a life of working, cannot seem to keep a job, NO MANNERS, eats like a freakin pig–my teenagers eat as fast as they can at our family meals to avoid his slurping/burping/plate scraping/mouth smacking /gulping. Anytime anyone rides in a car with this ass, he starts harassing 30 minutes prior to time to leave that we will make him late. He is NOT a good friend, very self centered. If anyone outside of our immediate family speaks with this Narcissist, it’s absolutely sickening to listen to again and again and again………trust me, RUN AWAY!!!!!! You’d be better off alone with a dog or two.
Sounds very much like my marriage. I am married to someone with undiagnosed ADHD and my life is hell…it is always about him, he has no thoughts about how his actions impact others and how much stress he puts on his family. I am so tierd of hearing how the non ADHD has to accept them, learn to support them, etc. etc. there are not conversations on how the ADHD spouse can make the non ADHD’s spouse better and that is because they are simply not capable of it. Marriages do not work with those who have ADHD because marriage is a partnership and often the ADHD spouse has absolutely no concept of what a partnership look likes… I am sure there are some with ADHD who have gotten the help they need to fully function in a family but the majority don’t and the non adhd is left incredibly stressed, frustrated and incredibly depressed. I agree you need to run….it it never work, you won’t be happy.
If you don’t mind being a single mother have kids I have ADD and most of the time I struggle with having to control my outbursts and especially when I’m Hyper focused on doing something and I get interrupted I sometimes have a lot of patience other times I’m so impatient always needing space being in my own shell I wanted to give my daughter a sibling because I’m happy with one and it’s sad to admit that my husband and I can’t handle another baby there’s no way our life is too messy as it is which is sad I am currently considering medication wish me luck it’s really a big struggle for us
This article over simplifies alot. The couples who are really struggling are where one has either untreated or undertreated ADHD, and the other does not .
If the spouse with ADHD refuses to get treatment, nothing can be done. I am a member of another ADHD website geared toward couples. It is sad how many of them have been married for years and are miserable, living separate lives from their spouses, because the spouse won’t own up to their behaviors, and change cannot happen.
I’m interested in the website you mention about couples with undiagnosed ADHD…
Hi, yes this all really resonates with me. My husband is undiagnosed, but I’m 100% convinced he has adhd. His mum says from young childhood he was climbing the walls, could never sit still, was emotionally volatile and didn’t conform at school so used to get into a lot of trouble. He ticks all the boxes: hyperactivity, impulsiveness, lack of attention (apart from when it interests him) has zero patience, always on the move and always in a hurry, gets stressed over nothing and has a short fuse, and he’s INCREDIBLY STUBBORN. He has a massive drinking problem too, and alcohol ironically enough is the only thing that seems to calm him down, which makes me believe he’s self medicating. I fell in love with his incredible energy and charisma, but as our relationships developed I’ve become resentful of how emotionally unavailable, inconsiderate and selfish he can seem. I want him to see a doctor and get a diagnosis and look for strategies to support him and our relationship, but he’s in complete denial and thinks I’m the one with the problem. We have a four year old child, and I have to admit it’s so difficult managing parenthood with a partner with adhd, as I feel I may as well be a single parent. He does his part by working and contributing financially, he even cooks a lot of the time, but everything else regarding the house and our child is down to me. He has no interest in doing anything family orientated, only if I push for it and he makes it quite obvious he doesn’t want to be there if we ever take our son out for the day. It’s really heartbreaking, every time I try and discuss our issues he becomes more distant and disconnected from me. I know it’s bevayse he feels criticised and he has no awareness of how what he’s doing is wrong and can’t grasp how much his behaviour affects me, but i can’t just put up and accept any longer. In any relationship it has to be a two way street.
Wow, this is my life except we have 2 boys ages 5 and 6. My husband says he feels like he is at the end of his rope. I keep telling him that daily life shouldn’t be such a struggle. Our life isn’t any busier than most couples with 2 kids and it’s probably only going to get busier. He agrees that it shouldn’t be such a struggle mentally to keep up with daily stuff, but then says I need to stop adding to the pile. Seriously, I try to make it as easy as I can for him by leaving lists of things that our boys need to do on the school nights I work. Such as reading, pick out clothes and school snack for school and jammies and brush teeth before iPad time. He literally tells me it’s too much to deal with because it’s too hard to get them to read and do their school work. They just want to play on the iPads instead. Wwwhhhaaattt? I’m like, “you” are making your life harder!
I am interested in the website geared towards couples.
I hear you. Untreated is tough. Treated is no picnic either sometimes. My hubby has been treated for years. It is really challenging at times. Ironically I had a childhood of not being listened to . My hubby trieds to listen. I liked the end of the article reminding me to have compassion about his thinking processes. He is typically not being selfish, just trying to manage his thoughts and listen as best he can.
How do I sign up up to get help from others ! My husband has severe adhd and I’m struggling
ADDA offers its members many virtual peer support groups, including one for partners of people with ADHD. You can learn more about them here: https://add.org/adda-virtual-programs/
Hey Lauren………I was just reading those notes from your personal diary. Thanks again for sharing
A friend of mine has a son with ADHD. I like your point about prioritizing your conflicts. I’ll suggest she try not to get angry and instead manager her feelings when frustrated.
I’ve been down the ADHD road & I’m still on it… My partner of 12 yrs has it & is completely oblivious to it, as well as just about everything else.
June, while I so appreciate your optimistic out look on things in your article, this article isn’t based on reality. I have tried any & all of these at one time or another & depending on the degree of ADHD the person you’re dealing with has determines your success. I’m the non. ADHD partner & as one of the commentors stated. everything falls into our laps
& in addition I have to be the one to start & initiate every thing & see it thru to the end & honestly I’ve reached a point where exhausted in everyway was years ago & now I’m way past burnt out… I’ve lost out on many things in my life because I’ve allowed myself to get caught up in this person’s daily havoc. This person has failed to inform me or just hasn’t bothered to say anything about many things, appts etc….
Looking in from the outside is completely different than being directly involved in it.
It’s easy for others to toss their opinions into the mix & pass judgement upon someone’s life they haven’t lived. I didn’t figure out my partner suffered from ADHD for many years. Lucky for me I’m an easy going person. I’m self sufficient, low maintenance & I’m used to being independent & supporting myself. In my opinion, if as a woman you aren’t all of the above then you’ll never survive a relationship with someone who has ADHD. I was where you are once upon a time ago Ivy & I don’t recommend unless a miracle presents itself & your man is willing t9 make the necessary changes in his life & become an adult then sweetheartci day don’t walk, run & save YOURSELF.
If your partner doesn’t have trust in you & you’ve never given him reason not to trust you that in itself is a serious red flag. The other thing you have to ask yourself is are you willing to be involved to the most uncomfortable degree with this man’s mother because I can guarantee you that she’s his number one & you will always be second, third, fourth etc…
You will have to deal with not only his mother but possibly his ex & then there’s his daughter. You know why she’s his ex now don’t you? The fact that this man doesn’t even have the motivation to get himself gainfully employed to provide for his daughter & himself screams irresponsibility that isn’t going to change anytime soon if ever. Been there. Done that.
My Mom has untreated ADHD I believe and maybe some other mental issues too and it is so hard to try to be in a relationship with her. I can see she’s struggling but it almost seems purposeful too – the hurtful words and narcissim and no i dont believe it will ever change. If we think about living with someone with ADHD as living with someone with an actual mental/behavioral disorder it might give us a clue of whether we can handle living with them. Basically living with someone with a permanent disability or disorder (not to judge but to put it out there as something that is not just them being mean at times or moody) should hopefully gives us a more accurate perspective. They do not change because they cannot change.
I appreciate everyone’s story so much and can relate. I am in a relationship since a year back, long distance (I live in europe, him in the states) and my boyfriend has ADHD, diagnosed since he was a kid. He is also my first real relationship as I’ve struggled all my life to find someone. Still I am at my breaking point. He is the most loving, serving and beautiful person I’ve met. He is incredibly generous and serving when we spend time together, not selfish at all and very present, everyone absolutely adores him, very easy to love but… everything practical is very messy for him. He doesn’t have a real job, lives with his parents (he’s 35 years old), doesn’t have a car etc and he owes me tons of money. Lot’s of empty promises around money and what he will do. I know he has good intentions but he’s not in touch with reality about the future and his life situation. He knows “everything will work out and be better” but I don’t see anything happening. He is very talented at what he does but doesn’t seem to understand how much more it will take from him to make things happen careerwise. He has a kid (7 years old) that he has every other weekend and he seems to be a wonderful, loving father but he doesn’t even have his own home for her obviously and don’t know how he affords to pay for her. I’m guessing his mother does.
I don’t have kids yet and I’m soon 35. I don’t know if I want to have kids honestly but maybe I do and it scares me to get kids with him. I’m worried it will get very messy and that the kid will have adhd, I have it in my family as well on my mother’s side.
We are very much in love. He breaks up with me every now and then and is very emotional but I learned he always comes back and I always wanted him too. But I don’t know if I can handle it anymore. We fight over the same things over and over again. It’s usually about “his life situation” “him not having any money and me having to pay for us both” “him being suspicious/jealous of me being with other guys” or “him not giving me enough attention or time on the phone” when we are apart. but he does better himself when I tell him I need more time from him at least for a while lol. He does always listen to my needs and I always feel very heard by him.
I spend hours of the day worrying about our future and his life situation, very draining. It’s very different when we are in the same place. He’s very present with me and serves me with everything he got, cooks for me, treats me like a princess, loves me up, spends as much time as he possibly can with me. We laugh and have fun together and it’s very natural between us, household stuff works just fine even practical things when we’re together except him not having any money most of the time. I’m afraid I will never find someone as loving as him. But I’m afraid these practical issues will never get better, specially around money and planning, procrastination and with the long distance I don’t see how we could have a future together. It’s very scary to read all your stories and not hear of a single positive outcome. Also he self medicates with weed A LOT, all day long and it truly does help even if I’m not a fan and don’t smoke myself, he doesn’t even get high from it, he just becomes neutral and he seem to be able to control his outburts and active mind and just life in general. But I am not sure how healthy all the smoking is. He did get addicted to more serious drugs before for a shorter period of time but somehow managed to stop himself. He is still very active with sports and stays busy during the day, he seems incredibly healthy strangely enough but if he sits down for a while he will fall asleep lol. He can be mean sometimes but not very often, I have said that it’s completely unacceptable to me mean to me and nowadays he just asks for time to calm down b4 he even gets to be mean which I appreciate. He can also be very suspicious of me being with other men, which he has no reason to. He has also lied about stuff he was shameful over.
Is anyone married to a similar person who stayed loving and serving, present all the way? or do people with ADHD tend to change after time for the worse? I felt sure I should break up today but after listing all his good qualities I don’t feel as sure anymore lol. Would love to hear your thoughts.
I cannot tell you what to do. But I will tell you what my life looked like after being married to someone for 20 years who suffered from ADHD.
My spouse never got a handle on the finances – he has incurred mountains of debt, so much so there are now liens on our property (the leins are in his name only). But I am trapped here because you cannot sell a property until the liens against it are settled.
My husband did not do drugs but he did drink. That actually got worse as he got older. To the point where he’d quit work everyday around 2 or 3 and go have happy hour. I believe it was the only way he ever got his mind to slow down but he has become an alcoholic in that process.
Hiding stuff – yes that got worse or maybe it was that I eventually could no longer put aside the gut feelings I had that he was hiding things so I started paying more attention to my gut. I do believe that will never change with him.
Being mean – yes this triple folded – it got to the point where I refused to ever ride as a passenger in a car with him because his road rage was frightening as he’d go so far as to run people off the road. And it also became that every single place we went to, movies, restaurants, the beach, the grocery store, you name it, was eliminated in my mind of options of places to go because he’d throw a fit everywhere about something or nothing. Misery, total misery.
wish I had a different more positive story to leave you and give you hope. In my experience, it only got worse as time went on.
Hello Ivy,
Your situation (especially the jealousy) reminds me very much of a relationship of mine. Your issue may involve Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Please please please research it and decide for yourself.
Ivy, I married him and wish I had never met him. Every person I know with ADHD thinks they are happy go lucky and fun and every person I know who is in a relationship with an ADHD person says they are negative and emotionally abusive. Read some of Melissa Orlov and realize that she apparently treats her husband like a child. Her advice is to coddle these people and adjust your entire life, persona, hopes and dreams in favor of a husband who acts like a 5th grader in all instances (public, private, in bed, in their job). Being married to someone like this means you will earn the money, pay all the bills, clean the house, grocery shop and cook all the meals, do all yard work, raise any children by yourself, etc. Talking it out does not help, does not change things. Neither does therapy. They are supremely self centered, by that I mean they only see their own point of view and are physiologically incapable of seeing anyone else’s. You may think that your love is big enough for two. Good luck. Here are just a few things I have had to live with trying to be the better person: he ran up the credit line ($150,000) on our house; he hasn’t had a full time job in 10 years; when I was in the hospital with breast cancer he visited about 30 minutes TOTAL over the course of 8 days; he would drop me off in front of the hospital for chemo–never came in to sit with me the way every other husband would; neighbors are not friendly anymore because he has blasted them with bad language or attitude, my family doesn’t want much to do with him and has caused me a lot of pain finding out that my sisters frequently get together without me because of him. I can only echo J.S.–misery, total misery.
Well that sounds more like a narcissist to me. I think there’s a difference between a narcissist and a person with attention deficit. Or maybe he’s a narcissist with attention deficit. Sorry about your situation.
Hi, this sounds more like an individual with autism than anything else (he could also be a narcissist like Lisa suggested). He may have ADHD but it doesn’t sound like that is his only issue. I have ADHD and I (like a lot of other people with ADHD) are ashamed of what we are and try to become more than what we are. We spend our entire lives aware of our faults and spent so much energy trying to bring them under control. When ADHD rears its head it is never a pleasant experience. We also try and appreciate our partners, respect their points of view and be patient. Unfortunately ADHD places us under constant stress which doesn’t always make that easy (it for one can make us seem like we lack empathy even though we are fine with it in reality). But still we see the value in trying to reach our full potential and don’t aim to become some sort of adult-baby who needs to be coddled by a non-ADHD partner. The shame which such a position would evoke would in turn galvanise us to try and become better (being a man-child in this context is a pretty unsustainable state of affairs).
From the sounds of things you would be better off with someone who is neurotypical. Nothing wrong with that. But try and remain open to the possibility that there was more which was going on when you feel tempted to dissuade others from considering a relationship with an ADHD partner.
It sounds like he’s trying and he is maybe trying to develop a mutual trust. Things are a little different with this pandemic, and it might seem more difficult because things appear to be at a standstill. Perhaps he’s making an effort but is embarrassed to bring it up to you or in front of you. Does he ever just disappear with no explanation for hours at a time in the house? It could be that he is taking time to make an effort to secure your future. If you talk to him I’m sure you would be humbled to know that maybe despite the difficult times he actually is being productive. I can only think of a handful of legitimate jobs that are operating rn, and if he were to somehow secure one of those jobs on the top end of pay and not just settle for a minimum wage job then that would show he really does love and care about you and plan to keep his promise to you. Maybe give him a chance, see if he’s made any progress despite this difficult pandemic. If he has I promise he is motivated about coming through on his promise. Don’t give up on him, you have to keep in mind 80% or more of the world is at a standstill, locked at home. But if he has somehow shown initiative and proven himself I think he deserves to be treated fairly and not given up on. Things don’t always appear the way they really are. If he has talked about a future and having plans I’m sure he’s secured some avenues financially and is keeping that quiet so when it comes time to act on the plans everything will be flawless. It’s difficult for some people to save money and if they speak casually about a savings then that’s when little withdraws turn into a drained account. Trust him and watch to see if progress is being made . Good luck
While I can appreciate the concepts presented in the article, I find them to be non applicable in the context of living with an ADHD partner.
Yes, all of the “secrets” are rather common sense when dealing with any normal relationship. And while I appreciate being reminded of them, as I do have normal relationships in my life (thank God), they are way over simplified for dealing with ADHD on a daily basis.
The reason I’m writing my opinion is the non ADHD partner who is dealing with an ADHD partner has an increased chance of becoming either enabling or codependent and I feel if a non ADHD partner is honestly searching for answers/help these “secrets” may give them the impression that they have to try harder, do more, put themselves aside for the betterment of the relationship and that should not be the case.
There are a whole other set of “secrets” for dealing with this issue.
Unfortunately, I have not found them aside from leaving the relationship as it was eating my own life away bit by bit. All I was doing was dealing with an adult person who behaved like a child of 16, all the time. In finances, time management, plans for the future like wills/insurance and retirement, parenting, schedules..any and all of it was all in my lap for 20 years. Believe me you, yes, I tried and tried to find help, none was found.
I will say, I was married for a matter of months until I figured out that what I was dealing with in my partner was that he had ADHD. I spent the next year privately mourning my relationship as I knew it would never be a normal give and take partnership and the longer I stayed the more my life would be wasted away. I would suggest, if you are going to write about how to get along in a relationship with someone who has ADHD, try to give them some advise that pertains to the realities of the situation. Thank you.
This sounds exactly like my situation. I do everything, even help my fiancé with his custody battles in court because he can’t deal. On top of everything you described, there’s also his psycho ex (child’s mom) who does everything she can to ruin our relationship and make us fight and because he has ADHD he doesn’t handle it well. Do you have any tips?
I cannot tell you what to do. But I will tell you what my life looked like after being married to someone for 20 years who suffered from ADHD.
My spouse never got a handle on the finances – he has incurred mountains of debt, so much so there are now liens on our property (the leins are in his name only). But I am trapped here because you cannot sell a property until the liens against it are settled.
My husband did not do drugs but he did drink. That actually got worse as he got older. To the point where he’d quit work everyday around 2 or 3 and go have happy hour. I believe it was the only way he ever got his mind to slow down but he has become an alcoholic in that process.
Hiding stuff – yes that got worse or maybe it was that I eventually could no longer put aside the gut feelings I had that he was hiding things so I started paying more attention to my gut. I do believe that will never change with him.
Being mean – yes this triple folded – it got to the point where I refused to ever ride as a passenger in a car with him because his road rage was frightening as he’d go so far as to run people off the road. And it also became that every single place we went to, movies, restaurants, the beach, the grocery store, you name it, was eliminated in my mind of options of places to go because he’d throw a fit everywhere about something or nothing. Misery, total misery.
wish I had a different more positive story to leave you and give you hope. In my experience, it only got worse as time went on.
Wow, I could have wrote this.
I have struggled with ADHD since I was a child and I kept failing miserably especially when I started working I would never stick to one job although in the beginning I would exceed expectations and then things go down hill fast forward my husband at the time made me discover that I have
ADD As a child I was very hyper and as an adult Im much calmer but my mind keeps going fast and today my husband admitted to me that he has ADHD as well out finances are always bad he’s in and out of jobs I’m a stay at home mom we are parents of a 3 year old smart baby girl he’s alcohol dependent and I’m codependent i procrastinate a lot and he does too always late schedules messed up it’s very messy I have found ways to deal with my ADD as i keep learning more about myself and this challenging mind of mine I love my husband dearly however we are both hurting each other in the process we both feel unappreciated we take eavhbotjer for granted and our baby girl is in the middle too I don’t have brain for certain things that happen and I just lash out and scream impulsive behavior as for my diet o am on a no sugar diet cutting down carbs to a minimum and I try to walk and get outside every day however it gets challenging too sometimes I don’t get enough sleep and I just procrastinate the whole day finding it so challenged to get out of bed no I’m not lazy I’m just too emotional and a lot of times feel so lonely and Wish someone would understand me fully it does get worse and I just feel we keep sinking ?
Ok being ADHD I read the first paragraph and can see instant issues. How can you hope to have a successful marriage and you still haven’t found a place to put your keys so you can find them??(My mom had a key bowl and if we couldn’t find our keys ..well our problem) Late for appointments? What? You don’t have respect for your time and another persons time yet?? When I discovered I was ADHD in my 50′ s I immediately started devouring books so I could get a handle on or at least try to get a handle on my “symptoms”. I guess I had figured out plenty of coping strategies as I grew up. I am still a blurter but do try to just keep my mouth shut. So I will continue reading but with a jaundiced eye. “View From Cliff ” gives a very positive view on being ADHD.
Sounds like you were brought up being held accountable for your own actions. Also, you were brought up with some some organizational skills (the key bowl). Many ADHD households lack these strategies for managing their lives. Instead, they often find someone else to do it for them (spouse). I have been such a spouse for almost 35 years. I love my husband dearly, but didn’t realize the extent of his disability until I became disabled myself following an injury and now a life-threatening illness. I still have to manage most household responsibilities, although now I hire housekeepers and have groceries delivered. I also have someone help me with physical therapy. These are things I can never rely on my husband to do. It’s also very lonely because he constantly needs to block everything out by being on his computer with his headphones.
I’m wondering weather my boyfriend has ADD or is just plain selfish and/or just got bored with me. Maybe you can help recognize symptoms or help me figure out what’s going on.
He tends to make empty promises, doesn’t always seem interested when I talk, forgets about the things we discuss, doesn’t seem to be able to make some time for me (we see each other like once a week), he says things like “I know I’m not treating you well, you deserve better” but yet doesn’t do anything to change his behavior. I’m not sure he has good time management skills and he’s messy. He was the perfect boyfriend for about 4 months, we were so in love (I’m still in love) then started to withdraw. On my part, I have attachment issues, probably co-dependency, which may have caused him to withdraw. He is still very sweet when we do see each other but he doesn’t have a libido anymore. It seems to me like I was the new exciting thing for a while, then one year later, it’s like he’d want me to just be there sometimes for a cuddle but is not interested in (or doesn’t even grasp the concept of) partnership, teamwork in a long term relationship. He also smokes weed, maybe to medicate because he has zero tolerance to stressful situations. He doesn’t have anger issues, never yells or anything, although he can completely shut off sometimes, like a 14 year old, if things aren’t going the way he’d like. I can see he’s sincere when he says he loves me and he does make efforts to communicate and listen, but on the other hand he has kind of proven me repeatedly that I wasn’t a priority in his life.
We’re separated now because it seemed to me like he wanted out of the relationship but didn’t have the guts to end it, so I did it. But my heart want to go back to him because I love him. What should I do?
Sounds like ADHD. My husband has it. He was diagnosed before I met him, but unfortunately, he never mentioned it. In fact , he never even took the time to get any insight or help with if after diagnosis. He just had meds prescribed. Your story sounds eerily similar to mine. He swept me off my feet. We got married and things began to change and go downhill. I really wish I would have known what was going on sooner. Yes, I am co-dependent also, which makes it hard. I think anything is possible, but this article makes it sound easier than it is. I have been in a one sided, lonely and abusive marriage for 20 years. I am pretty much just trying to make the best of it now. I lost my family, career, identity, self respect, happiness and sanity in a one way, go nowhere dysfunctional unhappy and unsatisfied marriage.
I hope you OK Stay positive
It’s never too late for a new beginning. It can be really hard to leave a dysfunctional situation that you’ve been in for so long. But once you finally leave, you’ll start to regain your sense of self and your joyous spirit will come back eventually. I feel bad for anyone who has a disorder, and I respect your decision to stay, but I just wanted to also say that you can be a vibrant happy person once again. Once you remove yourself from the toxic situation, your spirit will start to recognize itself again and heal. You can be happy again. It’s never too late. You’re always one decision away from a totally different life.
Maybe it goes deeper maybe he feels withdrawn from. Do you ever initiate intimacy? This could be a reason why he feels inadequate or not good enough. Do you ever turn away when he gets intimate, or no responsive when he’s kissing you. This too could play a major part in his confidence. I’m sure he’s still in love but there is underlying issues that you are overlooking. Maybe he feels like you don’t want to spend time with him or go out places, do you show an interest or perhaps are you more interested in getting away to do things you feel guilty of doing in his pressence. Does anything seem to go wrong when you have alone time? Don’t forget you are in a relationship and ignoring your partner that you are supposed to love, trust, and be there better half could be devastating. Especially if you are with them 24/7 and you trust them and feel in your heart what is right but are easily influenced by friends negative behavior and jealousy. If you truly love your boyfriend you wouldn’t change the way you think about him when others give their opinions. Only you know what’s best for you. No one else can tell you why you should or shouldn’t date someone. That comes from your heart and your heart soley
My boyfriend and i just recently discussed what ADD / ADHD and it’s symptoms are. I was diagnosed when i was very young and have know he has it but never had a comfortable opportunity to bring it up. He’s the only other person with ADD I’ve ever known and while his is heavily affecting our relationship. I’ve become very aware of the people men, family, friends that have struggled with being part of my life. Close relationships with friends and family members were ruined because of it and i felt so confused and hurt.
My Partner “I hate the term boyfriend” and i have been together on / off for 5 months. I knew the 2nd month after i broke up with him because i thought he didn’t want to be in the relationship. He cried and told me he can’t focus with everything he had going on. He’d lose things, forget things, lost focus etc. I didn’t consider in a million years he was like me until that moment.
My question is to anyone with experience with a spouse or loved one. Do they go long periods without connecting with you? I do the same but not with him. I don’t know if thing an ADD thing? I’ve been the one reaching out and we end up talking for hours and he feels genuinely happy I’m there. He asks if he’s getting better at communicating and i feel like he needs to hear feedback.
Anyone?
I’ve dated a guy that was really bad at reaching out in the beginning and wouldn’t pick up the phone and call. He got better and we dated for three years, but a lot of it was attributed to undiagnosed ADHD. Right before we broke up we went to therapy for a short period of time and he was diagnosed with it. We broke up because he was verbally abusive, but looking back, all of the ADHD identifiers make sense. In any relationship, if you can’t give honest feedback, I don’t think it can last. However, do it lovingly and tread lightly with the diagnosis of ADD or ADHD. I’ve found it can be a negative trigger that can make some feel less than or cause them to completely resist and shut down.
Being married to an alcoholic dependent lying man who hid his problems because of pride but blamed me for all problems saying it was because I couldn’t take his disparaging jokes and because I couldn’t be happy and grateful was the cause of marital problems when he contributed nothing to the relationship and let me handle all problems of trying to raise an adhd child on my own. It was her condition which made me realize he had the same problem. We lived on borrowed money and he took credit for any aid I gave. When I contracted a rare case of guillion barre he helped me in no way and said my long term effects were all in my head. He started divorce proceedings because I was an impediment to his business partnership where he held 20% and I was expected to go along with whatever his business partner decided. So, along with my retirement savings I had before marriage, I raised the daughter $200 monthly child support that would not have been paid if I had not filed with the district attorney before I left the state. Now, after being closely involved with her for her lifetime of 37 years she keeps things from me because she knows I worry and she wants to be able to do what is necessary to cope with life, on her own because she cannot live with others and now unqualified for any line of work to support herself, after being engaged to a guy with money which he didn’t want anyone getting from him.
Now Our relationship is just keeping in touch so that we know one another still exists.
My experience has been that a person with adhd, no matter how much you accommodate, cannot be part of a healthy relationship. I was only used to facilitate what these two wanted and were unable to accomplish on their own.
Thank you so much for your tips to have a happy relationship despite ADHD. I think I may be struggling with the symptoms myself. I’m thinking of getting evaluated to improve my relationship with my wife.
My spouse loves me but he can’t be a partner. I might as well be single because when the stakes are high, he isn’t reliable. I had open heart surgery to remove a tumor. Was making dinner, tidying and putting a toddler to bed on my second day out of the hospital. Where was he? Napping because his face felt hot (meaning he thought he might be getting sick). I was barely able to keep from passing out and couldn’t raise my arms above my hips and had to keep standing to avoid being crawled on by a little kid- but I got through it. Then he woke up and chewed me out because he was napping when I needed help. Sure blame me for your screw up. I tried to have someone with me at all times for six weeks because I couldn’t count on him. This wasn’t the only time. After both our kids were born, he immediately took personal vacations to various places because it was his birthday or friends were going or “he deserved it.” So it didn’t matter that I had complications after c-sections and had little babies to take care of. Guess I didn’t deserve to have a supporting spouse. Or the time I had my appendix out and was immediately responsible for lifting and caring for a toddler 24-7. I remember weeping because I wasn’t healing fast enough and I was exhausted. He said how sorry he was that it was hard, then immediately reminded me he was about to head out to choir – leaving me to take care of dinner and putting kids to bed when I had just shared how I didn’t think I could go on. I will never have a partner when the chips are down. In my old age or in hard circumstances, I can not count on him. I have to actually make decisions as if I am single because the ADD and sexism means I will never be able to count on him having my back. If I could do it over, I would never have taken this relationship past dating.
Okay so this is not about myself, but about the women who comment here.
Ladies, if he`s not interested in you after a while, yes there might be a chance he has ADHD.
But still it is no excuse for not beeing grateful or investing in the relationship.
I have ADHD and I have issues with staying commited in my relationship. It is really hard to stay with someone, when your brain seeks stimulation from other people or other activites. I have to daily remind myself whats worth fighting for, I am taking medication, I am going to theraphist and do sports etc.
This is why it is not helpful if you self-diagnose your S.O. , because the person has to stay commited for a really long time span. And if the person is not serious enough about the relationship it is not going to work. My boyfriend is a sweet, sensitive and caring person. And even though I have ADHD, I can see that. Thats why I am fighting against my brain.
It takes two to tango. Dont forget that.
thank you for giving me wonderful information
I always thought that i am how i am bc i have been like i am (hope it makes since lol) anyways. I realized not too long ago that i have ADD. All the “symptoms” for a person with ADD matches how i am. I was born in the late 80’s being a 90’s kid where ADD was a taboo and there wasn’t much research and it wasn’t treated properly. That means that i always had ADD ever since i was a boy. I was scolded and treated at the house like a dumb kid by my father. But my mom was kind. Even though she never got me tested. It is really really hard to be an adult with ADD. It bring relationships issues and work wise. It is really hard to be present on a place where you have to focus and you mind wanders around. Sometimes it is really inevitable not to loose focus. Or when you just drop something like car keys wherever because you mind tells you to do or take care of something else and when your keys come back to your mind you freak out desperately wondering where they went, even blame other people about it. It is also hard when someone is trying to have a conversation with you and your mind just goes blank or just start thinking about what do you have to do that evening, or making a recount of what you did that morning. If we are not interested in the subject, our brain just takes off and wanders around and a lot of things come into your mind in a minute. Or when you got a lot of stuff to do at work and you dont even know where to start or organize yourself. You just say F* it ill do it later and thats when you end up procrastinating. We can focus on things if it really really catches our attention and i knowww it is really hard to do so. Sometimes it is really hard and we just want to be in our world and not think about anything else just to give our brains a break since we constantly thinking about everything simultaneously or one behind the other. And something that frustrates me the most is when i want to express my concerns about something that i dont like but i dont know how to express it so there comes the anger and frustrations and its even worst when our significant others are not willing to listen. Not everyone understands how are brain functions and i know it really consumes our loved ones energy. But we need other people to know when we need to snap out of it with love and compassion. We can be really lovable people and we really care about others. If your loved one has ADD please be compassionate and try to understand him/her and work the situation. Its very hard and frustrating.
Thank you for sharing with such openness and honesty. It helped me understand things in my own relationship.
He’s horrid to my children. When he’s mad he says horrid things about them and I think because of this I need to go. He blames me for everything, takes low blows and passive aggressively attacks me without their being a fight or anything. He’s always so stressed and freaking out, I help him in every way. I drive him to and from work even. We live in a hotel now and I care for our 4 month old and my 2 kids. He was supposed to fill out a form weeks ago for us to get a house but it’s an excuse why he won’t every time and I get blamed somehow!!!
My boyfriend of one year has inattentive ADD and I am fully accepting and understanding of this and want to support him in any way I can, however lately we have been having so many emotional arguments. For example, if he is really stressed at work these feelings will consume his thoughts which will distract him for everything else, me, his family and friends. He is really bad at communicating his emotions until we are midst argument and it just all comes out. He is an amazing person and will do anything for me and vise versa, I just struggle to understand how we can have a long lasting relationship with out the ADD coming between us SO MUCH. He can’t talk about his ADD struggles for long and he ends up just shutting me out and needing time away from everyone. It’s really hard to deal with because I constantly think there is something wrong with me. I’m a fast paced person who loves being on the go, trying new things, going to new places where as he feels like thats too intense and takes his time with everything and has to analyse every situation carefully. He clash a lot on these little things but when it comes down to the important things we are always there for each other. I really just need advice on how to manage a relationship like this and what I can do to make him feel at ease.
I don’t have any positive advice to give on the matter really. I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years and it has been a rough ride. Only recently have I come to the conclusion that I think he has undiagnosed ADHD inattentive type. It answers all the questions of “why?” Over the last 17 years of our rekationship but also over the last 44 years of his life. Yes, I think my husband has ADD and has been undiagnosed for 44 years. I am his third wife and we’ve been so close to divorce many times. It has been extremely difficult. I am an extremely loyal person and the thought of leaving him was devastating even though there has been many times the circumstances have almost left me no choice. But we have four children. Obviously that complicated thing a lot. I would say if you were to make an ADD marriage work, you would probably need to not have children. The added stress of children to the ADD person and to the marriage itself really makes it difficult to overcome the hurdles that being married to a person with ADD presents.
So my advice to you is to really take a good hard look at whether or not you can see yourself marrying this person and having children with them and undergoing some of life’s most stressful times with them by your side. It is not easy for sure.
I may have some advice but I am currently in a pickle where I may end it with my boyfriend of 7.5 years who has ADHD. Unlike many I knew from the start he has ADHD. We went to middle school together and everything until we became best friends in college and got together on our 2nd year. I only wanted to participate in this forum because as I was in search for advice to somehow make my relationship work but I am saddened in reading negative outcomes. I am 26 now, going to grad school and planning my future but I am now full of anxiety wondering if I will even have a future with him. I wasn’t ready for the whole future talk the first 4 years as we were both students. But now I want to know if there will be marriage and children but all I’ve been getting are unknowns. I shouldn’t be surprised by this as planning and the future is a foreign language to him but somehow I thought love would just magically provide answers for these questions. As we have a long talk coming up I want to say that I won’t regret my time with him I learned so much and he has made me stronger. I’m just in fear of several other aspects that have rolled up in the last couple of years but those worries mixed with fear of not having a wedding and kids are now a little too much. We are no longer on the same page because school is done for him and i am mentioning marriage and children now. But while reading through this I realized I am really proud of him for his achievements that are a challenge for most people with ADHD. Sucks that most are incapable of having a successful relationship/marriage and also sucks to not fully understand/help them so we can stay and have a happy long term relationship with them.
But a few advice that I can share is patience, compassion and communication for the non ADHD. Also if you are one that needs reassurance, set schedules and structure dating someone with ADHD will require a lot of hard work and a possible new outlook on life. If you don’t want that then I would suggest moving on. I just want to defend anyone who does have ADHD that they do bring beauty and a different outlook on life like taking it day by day, cherishing the moment and each other as the only way certain activities will be done is if both do it together. There will be a lot of reminders for tasks to be done but the task will always be done eventually, well based on my experience. And maybe a very strict routine, some strive on it like having a specific date and time( add an hr due to lateness) for dates and quality time, expressing that it HAS to occur or something similar based on your needs. That’s another thing, one has to really express their needs and say what they want, having expectations will cause trouble. Write down a checklist on what has to be done around the house and create a pattern or routine that can stick but then make sure to notice when tasks are done and give positive feedback and mix it with reward/pleasure. I know this all sounds like they are children but it’s not like they chose to be like this. But i understand we didn’t expect this and the difficulties it would bring.
Luckily my boyfriend is on the opposite end of the spectrum with money, he saves it all but it becomes really difficult to go on trips as he does not want to touch the money and if I want a gift or anything besides going out there has to be a really good logical reason. It’s more annoying than anything. But I am thankful for everything I have learned from him that I may not have learned from a non ADHD. If we end our relationship I just want to give thanks. If we don’t, I know a lot of hard work is coming, a lot harder than if i were to be someone who does not have ADHD but we’ll see if we make it worth it.
I appreciate that this advice is kindly meant, but I find it deeply disappointing. As the wife of an ADHD-man, I have struggled to find a respectful balance in our relationship for 25 years. He forgets things, breaks things, creates arguments out of thin air, and ignores me unless he wants something. Then he says he loves me and begs me not to leave him. Every minute of every day is about him and his chaos, and it does NOT help to remind myself that he is intelligent, creative, etc. Nearly all the advice I receive effectively tells me to be a saint and suck it up. I am really starting to believe this is pure sexism: a wife should be compassionate and non-demanding, no matter how horribly the husband behaves or how abused the wife feels. I would really appreciate more constructive advice that doesn’t focus on how I should sacrifice more.
Im feeling you, Amy…same boat, 20 years. I feel invalidated at every turn, and im supposed to just accept his “condition” and all that comes with it. My opinions/needs are constantly dismissed and he has to have his way or its almost as though he has a tantrum. I feel like a have an overgrown manchild that was never told no by his mummy. Its all very messed up.
I feel like you’re narrating my life. My husband recently got a ADHD diagnosis from his family doctor. I have known there has been problems for a long time and urged him to speak to someone about it for years. He is also an alcoholic. I think his alcoholism stemmed from his ADHD but that’s a whole different topic. Everything you mentioned is our relationship, his impulsiveness, his explosive anger, his inability to listen to virtually anything I say, his inability to accomplish tasks within a timely manner. I’m pretty easy going, low key, low maintenance person but having to live with this man has been extremely challenging. He just started taking medication for his symptoms and I will say it’s helped A LOT! It’s so different that now I know when he hasn’t taken his pill. I can tell because he gets loud and in my face and starts nitpicking at our kids over small things. Adderall has given me so much hope for our future together. I’m angry that people abuse this drug so it’s technically a controlled substance but it’s helped my husband so much. I think he feels less stress because he can sit and work without getting distracted so that transfers to him being a little more relaxed. We talk now! It’s crazy. He is some how able to find words to have conversations with me. It’s like he wants to talk to me now, whereas before he would shut down. He’s always been a good father but now he just seems happier and I think our kids have noticed. There are a few explosive anger moments but instead of every day several times a day, it maybe happens once a week. I hope he remains on this medication permanently.
I love your comment! I completely agree and experience the same. I have adhd worse than my husband been married 5 years and everything is about him his needs and tantrums. He tunes me out , criticizes me for any fault I have but never my contributions to our finances , family, being a step mom with no children of
My own to adults , supporting his career taking care of house hold things. I struggle with organization but I’m exhausted by days end work. Seems I’m the one always being told to sacrifice in response. Criticism when trying to converse to resolve an issue is non existent , instead it’s about making a case against any flaw I have whilest his has a justifiable excuse to not treat me respectfully , kindness, and be on the same team. I loved your post . Turn it over to god
The best advice I can give after several years with a diagnosed ADD man, it is this. If they aren’t actively changing within the first year or two, don’t expect them to change down the road.
When I say change, I mean they are going to need therapy and to change their habits and lifestyle. Not just saying they’ll do something, but actually doing it. And chances are, they won’t. You’ll find there will be a lot of talk, but not a lot of action. Or if there is action, it will be for a day, or maybe a week. But then it will stop. Because they conveniently “forget” that they agreed to do anything.
Please believe me when I say the partner you think they COULD be IF they changed isn’t really worth the person they actually ARE.
Read through the rest of the comments on this post. Women have spent 20+ years of their lives with ADD/ADHD men and are MISERABLE. Why? Because these men NEVER CHANGE.
Is it their fault? No. They have an illness. It sucks. Yes, they have so much untapped potential and wonderful qualities. Deep down, they are probably good people that had bad things happen to them in their past.
But you know what? The women they DESTROY with their personality? We are good people. We have had bad things happen in our past. But we’re not throwing tantrums, making messes and expecting others to clean up after us, exploding in anger every time someone disagrees with our opinions. We have to be adults. We have to be responsible. We have to be patient. We have to be understanding and explain to others why plans are changing.
Seriously ladies – do you really want to spend the rest of your lives trying to placate someone else’s needs (who will never be satisfied) when you could be putting all of that extra energy towards yourself or future kids?
Trust me when I say that you will be happier not chained to someone who will just drag you down into their unhappiness. Because that’s what it really boils down to. They’re sometimes so unhappy that when they see someone else happy, they have to squash it with their anger and hostility and stupid arguments.
And also, when things go wrong, know that you will be to blame. Always. Not them. You. They are never wrong. Never. NEVER.
To summarize, if you start a relationship and see the signs that this person might be ADD/ADHD and they start exhibiting any of the nasty behaviors noted in the comments – don’t walk. RUN.
We all are responsible for our own happiness. As someone diagnosed with ADD I cannot identify with most of that. Personally, it sounds like you were with someone with something more serious NPD.
I have to say that there is a huge difference between a lot of men with ADHD & women with ADHD.
Girls who grow up with ADHD don’t get the same benefit of the doubt as boys. We have to develop far more coping mechanisms. I often feel that’s why men won’t even make the effort to improve. My partner has non-ADHD neurodiversity & he’s far less patient with my foibles than I am with his. I don’t use my neurodiversity as an excuse as much as he does & he makes no effort to control his tantrums. I have to manage my ADHD while helping him with his issues but I don’t get as much support from him as he does from me.
I have ADHD & I completely understand all of the women on this thread talking about men who make no effort to try.
I agree with whoever said that having kids & having ADHD would be a nightmare. I wouldn’t even consider having kids.
The fact that you go on about how it is ADHD *MEN* that are the big issue, without even mentioning the Women out there; suggests our problem may lay more with that.
Trust me, I know how you feel. I’ve dealt with all of that frustration before, but in dealing with my ADHD *WIFE*; and do you know what I figured out? That I am the one who has been failing her; because for better or worse I chose to stay with her, and it is my lack of patience, my unwillingness to be understanding in the face of my frustrations; and most of all, my unwillingness to being able to pick up the slack when a relationship is built for two…
Well, not ADHD relationships. I these ones, in order for them to work, we need to learn how to love UNCONDITIONALLY, and be willing to help our special ones through the fog when they need it (and they need it alot, and always will) <3.
Looks like you have delt with someone who has more serious issues than adhd. I was lately diagnosed with adhd as an adult. And there is a BIG difference with having adhd and not doing anything about it. Having adhd doesnt mean you will never change, that is actually very insulting. I am trying so hard to find ways to be better and my adhd makes it harder but it doesnt make it impossible! Adhd is very treatable and if someone doesnt want to treat it and help their relationship, then there is something more going on than adhd..
Also Motivation is very hard to come by and smallest negative commets makes it disappear. So best way to help adhd partner is to make nice comments about the things they are doing well and motivate them in a positive way. But if that someone doesnt want to change, then it is more of a personal thing than adhd thing
I’ve read through the comments and how lots of people are saying how horrible it is to be married to someone with ADHD without considering individual personalities. Not all the things he/she does is related to ADHD. Try considering the fact that he/she may just be a selfish bastard or takes fun in emotional blackmail. I’m someone with ADD myself and I find it had to relate to these.
To anyone reading through the comment section: please keep in mind that the people drawn to this article are not a representative sample of all spouses of someone who has ADHD. Someone happily married to a person with ADHD is less likely than someone unhappily married ti someone with ADHD to google how to make an ADHD relationship work.
Additionally, many of the comments here paint a bleak picture of life with an ADHD spouse without specifying that most are dealing with UNTREATED ADHD. Well-managed ADHD does produce annoyances for those witnessing it, but those annoyances are easily managed **because the underlying ADHD is being WELL-MANAGED**. It is entirely the responsibility of the individual with ADHD to manage their ADHD themselves. Good management isn’t a cure, not at all, but it mitigates impairments in the individual’s ability to function.
My husband was diagnosed with ADHD ever since he was young. We have those ups and downs, like a lot. I’ve recently convinced him to do exercise with me every morning because I’ve read that it would keep his symptoms at bay not just trust it all on the meds. So fingers crossed. Thank you for this lovely read.
I appreciate this article, but the line “the more love you give, the more you will receive”…I don’t agree with that. My husband of 8 years has ADHD and his symptoms are in hyper drive lately. Since mid-December I’ve been making huge efforts to give love, be affectionate, make romantic dinners every night (half of which he ruins with his drama)…being more intimate, suggesting romantic things to do, hugging him, complimenting him…what has it got me? More loneliness. He rarely gives back…I don’t expect him to give as much as I do, but half the time when I compliment him, he just stares at me. I’ve made efforts to have more romance in the bedroom, but get rejected 75% of the time. It takes a toll. I keep trying and keep getting rejected. I understand it’s his ADHD, but it still hurts. Not to mention the procrastination when chores need to get done, if I don’t do them, they don’t get done. I don’t want to live in a pig sty just to accommodate his ADHD. And the daily drama…I can’t handle it anymore and he refuses help. I’m ranting, sorry, I have nobody to talk to about this. He won’t get help. I’m trying my best, but I’m so lonely and overwhelmed with work to keep the house, pets and relationship functioning. Makes a person want to give up trying.
This post of opinions gives alot of people false hope. My life has spiraled down since moving in with my adhd boyfriend. So much so to the point I have severe breakdowns, terrible depression, and now, a drinking problem due to trying to cope with his adhd while doing literally everything for him.
Everyone reading the above and thinking there is hope – disregard this though and instead run… your heart will heal eventually. The chaos and dysfunction will never ever end. It might get a little better in terms of management but you as non-adhd spouse will always be forced to play “mommy or daddy” role while carrying the weight of every single responsibility on your shoulders.
Run…
All adhd people are not bad so stop generalizing
To anyone reading through the comment section: please keep in mind that the people drawn to this article are not a representative sample of all spouses of someone who has ADHD. Someone happily married to a person with ADHD is less likely than someone unhappily married ti someone with ADHD to google how to make an ADHD relationship work.
For those in a relationship with someone with ADHD, the condition can be embarrassing, frustrating, and hard to live with. ADHD partners often feel misunderstood and judged by their significant other. However, you can make your relationship work with a little understanding and patience.
Does anyone have experience with a partner with ADHD that is taking accountability and managing their emotions to the best of their abilities. I have ADHD and my partner has said she needs someone who can manage/regulate their emotions a little better. I don’t yell or get angry, I have had a number of moments that were reactive or snippy or made generalizations that weren’t fully accurate and in talking through taken accountability and apologized that my words came out wrong. I know I’m not abusive by any means but have said things that hurt my partners feelings by the words I used. I have created and built better habits to take care of myself including weekly therapy. Is there hope for us? Should I let her go knowing that I can’t regulate my emotions to the point of a neurotypical partner even though I love her and show her that through our conversations, listening, acts of service, and actively working on healing and coping strategies? These comments scare me that even with all the work i’ve been doing, at the end of the day it’s hopeless and I’ll always be a frustrating partner who has a hard time with the big feelings.
I’ve always known my spouse has ADHD and have managed well until lately (15 yrs marriage). We have a lot of excessive extra responsibilities (aging parents, dementia) and the stress is palpable. My only suggestion is to find ways to keep life stress low so you can pour your extra energy in keeping your relationship afloat because neurodivergent spouses require extra time and energy. Love my spouse, love our life together. Working hard on keeping it together “till death do we part.”