Shut Down Your Automatic Critic

Today you had an important meeting.

The panic set the moment you woke up late.  After 15 minutes of shuffling through your wardrobe, you finally found something to wear. Running late, you skipped breakfast and rushed out the door. Arriving out of breath, barely on time, you realize that you’ve forgotten to put on deodorant. Ugh! Looking at the calendar, you notice the date…yesterday was your sister’s birthday and you forgot to call…again.

If you have ADHD, this story — or a similar variation — probably sounds familiar. Despite our best intentions, we seem to repeat the same old mistakes, disappointing others and ourselves.  We may be great at picking ourselves back up and trying again, but after many failed attempts our habits can seem downright hopeless.

Today, don’t give in – try something new. Resist the urge to punish yourself, even if you think you deserve it. Phrases such as, “I always screw up,” “I’m so thoughtless,” or “I’m a mess,” are like recorded messages that automatically switch on and play repeatedly in your head in times of stress. These recordings provide no information about why the problem happened, or how to solve it; they only serve to lower your morale, leaving you feeling hopeless yet again.

Realize your brain is wired in its own unique way.  Those people you envy? The ones who always seem to have it all together? They have their own problems, you’re just not privy to their struggles and insecurities. Even if it’s not immediately visible to you, you have aptitudes others admire.

You can’t change your life by reinforcing your shortcomings; the greatest improvements always come when you focus on your strengths. Turn off the recording when you hear it. Forgive yourself for being you.  Easier said than done?  Perhaps, but it is possible all the same.  Here are some concrete steps you can take to turn that automated critic in your head into a cheerleader.

• Identify Problem Thoughts

Stop and take notice of what you’re thinking throughout the day.  Maybe you’re facing challenges in your relationship, having difficulty on the job, or experiencing trouble getting organized.  If all you think about are the problems and your automated critic is harping that everything is your fault, it’s robbing you of energy and motivation.  If your comments would be hurtful to someone else, don’t say them about yourself, even if you’re the only one who hears them.

• Change the Monologue

Most negative thoughts are distortions or errors.  Challenge yourself to replace the negative thoughts with pragmatic statements. Changing your commentary aloud or on paper can help put things in perspective and reinforce constructive thinking. As in these examples, try swapping a negative message for a helpful one:

Negative: “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do this?”

Helpful: “This is a difficult task. I could use some help.”

Negative: “Why am I always late? I can’t ever be on time.”

Helpful: “These things happen. I know I can improve my tardiness if use my organizer.”

Negative: “I’m a lousy listener, always interrupting conversations. Why would anyone would want to be around me?”

Helpful: “I have friends who accept me even though I sometimes interrupt their conversations.

• Articulate Your Emotions

You are not your feelings. Emotions are only one part of what you’re experiencing at the moment.  Giving your negative emotions a name such as anger, fear, sadness, or disappointment diminishes their power.

• Congratulate Yourself

Positive self-talk deserves praise. Every time you replace a negative thought with a more helpful, positive or encouraging thought, give yourself credit. Phrases such as “Good job!” or “I’m getting better at this!” can boost your mood and keep you on an encouraging wavelength. Don’t forget to say it out loud! Verbalizing positive self-talk reinforces positive thinking.

• Take Advice From Those Who Care About You

Choose supportive people you can depend upon to give you helpful advice and honest feedback. We often see ourselves differently than others see us. The media, our coworkers, and even family members can give us confusing signals and make us feel as if we’re not good enough. But ask those who are supportive and truly know you well, and you may be surprised how they perceive you.

• Use Humor

Give yourself permission to smile or laugh, especially when you’re struggling. Recognize that being human means making mistakes. Be able to laugh at yours.

• Collect Affirmations

New research suggests memories are made of proteins that strengthen when we use them. The more we recall something, the more likely we are to recall it again. Choose memories of your best self and keep prompts in a thought journal, a photo collection, or a sketchbook.

• Choose Your Perspective

We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can choose our interpretation and thoughts about what happens to us. Most seemingly dismal situations are lined with opportunity. Find a new perspective and use it to hoist yourself from that dark place.