Partner in Denial about ADHD
Q: As a non-ADHD partner for 2.5 years to a 62 year old gentleman who won’t accept the Amen Clinic diagnosis of ADHD, I feel my teaching and counseling abilities have run out. I am looking for follow through on major negligence in his home and retirement if I am to remain; and, health accountability on his part. Right now he will take the suggested supplements but only for me not for him. How do I first get my partner to see the multiple traits he possesses as a cluster representing ADHD rather than providing each with an individual excuse.
This is such a tough situation. Unfortunately, you are not alone.
First I should probably explain some things about how we with ADHD behave in relationships.
- Most of us have experienced a ton of negativity, and thus we have wacky attachment styles (this is MY theory)
- Many of us have very poor self-awareness and feel the need to be “right” all the time
- We see things in a black/white way and have issues with compromise
- We are consistently inconsistent, and so our partners don’t know what to expect. Ever.
- Other points of view are difficult, and we often perceive them as criticism or rejection
All of this can create a hot mess for our partners. And I say all of this as a person with ADHD who is married to a non-ADHDer.
If I were able, I would have my husband give you his .02 as well.
The best solution for US has been two pronged:
- Really uncomfortable honesty. As in he tells me when my behaviors are out of control. And I tell him when I feel totally out of control.
- Counseling and education for both of us.
Your email sounds as if you already know what needs to happen for you to stay in the relationship. I guess the question then becomes are you willing to work to hold onto the relationship? And is your partner?
I can’t really answer those questions for you. But I can give you a couple resources.
The ADDA Loving and Living with ADHD Support Group
https://add.org/tadd-2017-diminishing-anger-relationships-impacted-adhd/
https://chadd.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/ATTN_06_16_Couple.pdf
Whatever you decide to do, know that just by sending this email you are showing your willingness to try to understand. And that means everything. To us.
xoxoxo
– Liz
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3 Comments
(By the way I’m 15)My brother has ADHD and he was diagnosed with it at ages 4-6.He’s 17 now, and he still doesn’t believe he has ADHD.I just wanted to say is that he is very quiet, anywhere like at school, home, or even at a restaurant.I don’t know if this has anything to do with it but theirs other things too.He doesn’t have a job, doesn’t like to go out, and he mostly just sits in his room all day playing video games or is just on his phone and we(my family)don’t see him for a long time unless something happens or if something is going on.Like if it’s time for dinner he comes out but then goes right back to his room with the plate, or if the Wi-Fi gets disconnected he come out, or if he hears us being loud he comes out, just things like that make him come out.Also he doesn’t like getting haircuts or shaving(it’s maybe just because he doesn’t like doing those things).Well i just came on here to ask if any of this has to do with ADHD and how I can help him and like motivate him and how I can be more helpful with his ADHD.And also like how I can convince him to do stuff.
I’m an occupational therapist with many years of experience working with children & adults coping with developmental challenges. Some of the symptoms you’re describing are consistent with the features of a Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). Sometimes ADHD & SPD co-occur. Other times SPD is misdiagnosed as ADHD. SPD symptoms don’t decrease when treated with ADHD medications. Sequelae of SPD can include learning & social-emotional developmental problems, high anxiety, & hyper- or hypoactivity. For example, individuals with SPD sometimes engage in avoidant behaviors to shield themselves from overstimulation or understimulation of their senses, which activates the primitive fight-fright-flight response in an individual with SPD, & leads to behaviors motivated by the need to control their environment, so they can feel safe. An occupational therapist trained to identify SPD & experienced in the treatment of SPD can assess individuals who suspect they have SPD & help them address their symptoms to improve the quality of their lives.
In response to the original question mentioning the partner takes his pills for you not for himself –
I relate to this (I am in the process of ADHD assessment), and for years I thought it was a problem that I didn’t want to do certain things for my own benefit. but now I understand that it’s probably my brain chemistry, that I need someone’s presence/expectation/encouragement to help motivate me to do tasks I don’t enjoy, and that’s ok. I think this is what ADHDers call body doubling.
So, perhaps there’s another perspective you could try. maybe when your partner takes his pills for you it’s actually a sign that he values you and your wishes. And maybe it’s a sign that you are indeed having a positive influence on his wellbeing and behavior even if it doesn’t feel like it. (It might not be a bed of roses!)
Good on you for reaching out for support to try to make the relationship work 🙌 I hope it gets easier as he has time to accept and trust.