Complementary Skills Can Help ADHD/Non-ADHD Partnerships Thrive

By Melissa Orlov

In the world of “generalizations” about ADHD spouses and their non-ADHD partners, it’s pretty safe to say that one of you is typically organized, a planner, and a hierarchical thinker while the other is spontaneous, not as well organized and more “present-focused.” These opposite characteristics can cause significant stress in your relationship unless you learn ways to complement each other, rather than be in opposition.

Renewing an ADHD-impacted partnership that has languished is not as simple as declaring, “We will now work better together!” There are many underlying issues to be addressed, such as under-managed ADHD symptoms, expressions of anger, controlling behavior and more. For a specific guide on how to rebuild the core of your relationship, I refer you to my book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage. But once you’re into that process and feeling more secure in your future, then this approach – using complementary skills to your mutual advantage, can guide you in setting up specific routines and traditions that will help you both thrive.

Let’s take two common problem areas and see how you might apply your differing strengths to them:

Managing Household Tasks

Boring but necessary household tasks are a big problem area for many couples. ADHD partners have trouble planning and completing boring tasks, while non-ADHD partners have trouble not feeling resentful that they are “forced” to take on too many of the tasks due to their ADHD partner’s inconsistency. When left unchecked this can lead to feelings of burnout. So here are some ideas that will help you build on each person’s characteristics:

Coordinate, don’t just delegate: Because they are more organized, non-ADHD partners often fall into a pattern of ordering the ADHD partner to complete things. Instead, sit down and coordinate your efforts on a weekly basis. Agree on what’s most important that week, specifically what the project entails, who will do it, how long it will take, and (importantly) when it will get done. Once you’ve both agreed, the ADHD spouse should (at that moment) put the project into his or her reminder system (cell phone alarms work great for this.) The non-ADHD partner should also post the agreed-to projects someplace obvious so that each of you runs into it through the week.

This approach utilizes a non-ADHD strength – organizational clarity – while also being respectful of the limited time that each of you has. It clarifies expectations between you, and the reminders bring the project back into the “now” for the ADHD spouse at the right time. This process, when used over time, allows the couple to also assess how much each person can get done in a week. Typically a non-ADHD spouse can get things done faster than an ADHD spouse. This makes sense as the ADHD spouse has the extra “steps” of needing to organize his or her brain, combat distraction, and otherwise manage ADHD symptoms while completing the task.

Put an energetic ADHD spouse on kid duties. Many people with ADHD find that they really enjoy the spontaneity of playing with their kids. So much so, in fact, that many non-ADHD partners complain to me that their spouse “gets to have all the fun with the kids” while they only get to be the tough guy. Re-organizing yourselves around this can be fun. Celebrate the ADHD partner’s playfulness and encourage happy kid-time… just make sure you schedule some specific time when you, too, are able to be there. Then, build on the close parent/child relationship this kid-time can create. Agree that the ADHD spouse will do some of the not-so-much fun kid stuff, too. If you have young children, this might mean getting them dressed in the morning or driving them to school, for example. But, beware! The ADHD spouse will likely have his or her own style of doing these tasks – don’t try to control what outfits are chosen or whether the shoes go on the proper feet…

Nurturing Your Connection

Busy lives and distractibility can mean that you fall into a pattern where it seems your paths rarely cross. Add difficult ADHD symptoms and high levels of frustration, and you have the recipe for a potentially toxic relationship. One way of combating that is to overtly nurture your connections. Here are some ideas that acknowledge and build upon your differences.

Organize, then disorganize. Spontaneity can be fun, but it’s hard to count on. To “capture” the benefit of an ADHD partner’s spontaneity, schedule time to be spontaneous. My husband and I used to do this by blocking out every Saturday afternoon to do something fun that we hadn’t planned ahead. We would head to Boston, then look up what was going on that day that might be fun – the farmer’s market, a local bike race, a trip to a museum, taking a long walk, exploring the Fenway, holiday shopping, sitting in a local coffee shop and chatting. It satisfied my need for reliability (we did it every week) while building on one of my husband’s ADHD strengths – the ability to enjoy the now.

Alternate date nights. Research on romance suggests that a great way to connect is to do something new and challenging together. But what is “new and challenging” is different for each couple and each person. One of you wants to try fishing, while the other thinks salsa dancing might be great to try. Don’t negotiate, you don’t need to pick a winner – alternate and try both. Keep an open mind, then laugh together about the “flops,” appreciate the successes, and cherish the fact that you can commit time to each other in this way. Plus, you’ll learn new things about yourself and your partner in the process, which is a great way to keep your relationship fresh.

Schedule sex. Use the logistical tenacity of the non-ADHD partner to ensure that the two of you have at least some specific “dates” set aside to be intimate. That way sex isn’t an activity that just happens after all other distractions are worked through (i.e. never!) Then, use the spontaneous nature of the ADHD spouse to help keep it fun, even though it’s scheduled. And, of course, augment the scheduled sex whenever you both happen to be in the mood!

So the bottom line is this – even if one of you says “tomato” and the other says “tomahto” you don’t need to call the whole thing off! If you acknowledge and respect your differences, you can create a balanced integration of your strengths that is unique to you as a couple and helps you regain (or reinforce) those feelings of love.

Melissa Orlov is a marriage consultant and the author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage.  She teaches seminars for couples impacted by ADHD, and blogs for Psychology Today and at www.adhdmarriage.com