It Takes Two to Tango (Always)

By Ari Tuckman, PsyD, MBA

Romantic relationships can be one of the best parts of your life, but they can also be one of the most complicated, confusing and frustrating parts. Every relationship involves some struggle and adjustment, but couples where at least one person has ADHD may have more struggles. While this can make life much harder before diagnosis, it is also a great learning opportunity that can help both partners be happier and more effective.

When a romantic relationship is at its best, it pushes us to become a better person. This is because romantic partners are less willing to let things slide than acquaintances will. Romantic partners have too much at stake, so they call us on things. This isn’t always fun, but it is important and ultimately helpful. And because of our commitment to our romantic partner (as well as our own integrity), we take it seriously.

This is how relationships make us better people. The hurdle for relationships where one person has ADHD is that the person with ADHD is the easy target for all the troubles in the relationship. Even worse, predictable ADHD-based struggles become the justification for the other person’s behaviors (e.g., “I wouldn’t be so angry if you would just remember better.”)

In the work I’ve done with couples, I’ve found it always takes two to tango—there is never only one person to blame or one truly innocent victim. Or to put it more constructively, both people have the ability to make a relationship better; neither is powerless. As the ADHDer begins to get on top of thir challenges, the other person must adjust to the new situation. This is a good thing for both people. In fact, the only solutions that last are the ones that make both people happy; someone who is unhappy will eventually resist and try to change things.

So how do you use the power of your relationship to make yourself and your partner better people?

• Get on top of your ADHD. If you’re the person with ADHD, actively seek to learn about how it affects your life, as well as which strategies will help you do more of what you intend to do. Seek effective treatment. If you’re getting ineffective treatment, find better clinicians!
• Understand your partner’s ADHD. If you’re the partner without ADHD, learn about ADHD for both of your sakes. If you understand how to work more effectively with your partner, you will both be happier with the outcome. (Is it better to be righteously angry with your partner forgetting to bring milk home or rather to give a quick reminder call?)
• Be willing to hear what your partner is saying. Look beyond the strong words and try to hear what your partner is saying. There are probably some good lessons in there, even if they’re buried.
• Be honest with yourself. Is your partner calling you on something legitimate? Is it something worth working on? Maybe it doesn’t matter that much to you, but it may matter to your partner. You must be open to a little give and take.
• Be honest with your partner. Say it nicely, but don’t be afraid to say what you need to say.

Relationships aren’t easy but they can bring out the best in us. Like fire-hardened steel, struggles in relationships can make us better people. Happy couples have smoothed over the rough edges and found a way to accept the things that won’t change.

Dr. Tuckman is the former Vice President of ADDA and author of “More Attention, Less Deficit” and “Integrative Treatment for Adult ADHD.” You can get information about both books and listen to his podcast, including the episode “A Happy Relationship in Twelve Jokes or Less,” at http://adultADHDbook.com or through iTunes.